Thursday, November 18, 2010

meltdown

having twins is hard.
and I haven't even started yet.

After writing that "I'm going to be faithful, I can DO THIS!" post yesterday I proceeded to have a complete absolute freak-out.

It went like this:
I was very hungry and Travis is sick.
So if I wanted food I knew needed to find it myself, despite being SO hungry I couldn't walk straight. (This happens to me because I am pathetic and also because wait until the last minute to feed myself.)

I found old rice in the fridge. I heated it up. I carried it out to the living room where I spilled it all over the floor.
Then I accidentally said the f word. Which I will not type on to this blog.
Then Travis looked up at me and said "Becky!"
And I lost it.

I began sobbing so hard that my body was convulsing and consequently extra painful, and resulted in harder sobbing. Which resulted in more pain.
And then frustration that I couldn't stop crying.
Which led to more and greater sobbing.

And I just laid face down on the couch and cried while Travis got the vacuum out and cleaned up the rice, and went and made me another dinner.
And I just sobbed and sobbed for 15 minutes.
Then I stumbled into the kitchen, sniffing and shaking, where my good husband - who did not know what to do - was doing the dishes (which WAS what to do).
And he said, "I don't know how to help you, I don't like for you to swear like that, and you can't swear like when we have little kids."

At which time I collapsed into even greater sobbing/convulsions than before.
And just stood crying in the kitchen until Travis led me out to the couch and and said "Lie down" and I cried for another 20 minutes while periodically yelling things like "I CAN'T HANDLE TWINS!"
Because I can't even handle myself.

Because I am not an adult. I am 21.
I can only barely buy booze. (Which, by the way, is something I don't really buy. Except when I make beer-battered fish. Which is delicious.)

And then Travis was really good and said things like, "Yes you can. You're having twins, so you can handle them. If you couldn't handle twins we wouldn't be having twins. God wouldn't give us twins if we couldn't be good parents to them."
Which I believe.

And then I came online and read all your nice comments on here and facebook and all your love, and support and felt a little better. And a little guilty for being so pathetic.

And then I talked to my family on skype, who seemed to find my meltdown super funny. (Which brought on more tears, but only a bit)
And then they showed me all the presents they bought yesterday for my babies.
And my parents helped calm me down and feel better because they're a little crazy too.

Then, after all that weeping, I fell asleep and slept for 8 hours straight.
I seriously woke up in the same position I went to bed in. My ear hurt from being pressed in the same position on the pillow.

It was the best sleep I've had in weeks.
And so today I feel awesome.
I feel overwhelmed, but mostly excited.
And I am watching the ultrasound video on repeat and making all the people at work watch it, even though they're all unmarried boys who think it's boring.

But today I'm back on the "I can handle my life" track.
Also, I went to each of my teachers and said "I am having twins, and I am overwhelmed. How can I pass this class while doing the least amount of work possible?"
Which is a brave thing to say to professors, if I do say so myself.
But they were all really supportive and awesome.

I will not get any As this year, but I will not get any Ds or Fs either. (We're probably talking all Cs. Maybe a B.)
And I feel great about that.
To be honest, I feel freaking wonderful about it. I am not going to grad school, so passing is what matters to me.
Three weeks.
In three weeks I will be done with school.

Which I pretend will make handling being pregnant with twins easier.
If anything, I will no longer have to sit for hours in the world's most uncomfortable chairs.
That, at least, is a relief.

Also, after I had a meltdown, but before I went to bed Travis and I spent about an hour watching videos of twins on Youtube.
Babies are the best.
Like these quadruplets, which you've probably all seen (I remember seeing it in high school - it's old) but it's good.




I'm so glad I'm only having two and not four.


.

7 comments:

Carol said...

I need to bring you more food. More than rice. Lots of protein and vegys and good stuff to help your babies grow. I will try to be better at this. love you.

Natasha said...

Rebeccah, even though I don't know you Heavenly Father does and knows what you can handle...and He knows you can handle twins and will do a great job at it. I can tell from your posts that you will make a great mom. I have a friend who has twins and it is challenging, but she loves it and so will you!

I blog-stalk this woman who recently had twins (boy/girl): http://bcmckell.blogspot.com/ and thought you might want to check out her blog for support, etc.

Another suggestion of mine would be to possibly find a support group of mothers of twins in your area, so maybe you wouldn't feel so alone...

You can do it! :)

bexter said...

Becky- so it's 3:30 AM and I can't sleep because let's face it, pregnant people can't sleep. Anyway being up this late makes me emotional anyway but reading your post and watching that video of the four laughing babies is making me cry like a baby! We can do this! Thanks for being awesome - love you tons,
Becca

Elizabeth said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Elizabeth said...

Becky you are going to be okay. Its hard being pregnant and emotional. And to top it all off you had a very big surprise this week. But remember your earlier post, believe in yourself and your husband and in you both and your abilities to handle twins.

Be thankful for today's technology and the fact that you found out now and have the time to prepare for twins. My mother-in-law is an identical twin. She was born in the 40's when there was no ultrasound. Her mom had her sister first and then they wheeled her into the hallway and where on their way back to her hospital room when my mother-in-law decided to start coming. She was born in the hallway of the hospital. They had no idea they were having twins! It was quite a huge shock!

So there is just one little crumb of positive to hold on to right now.

Audrey said...

Becky! I am so proud of you! I think it was really brave and really smart to just take the c's. In fact, I chose the major I did just because C's are acceptable. I was crying the entire time I read this article, because I know how hard life is like this!

Guess what? We're both graduating in December! I hope you're so grateful that you'll be done before your children are born! I induced the last day of finals just so that I could have two weeks before I had to go back to school in Jan last year! But you obviously

But this is what I know: being pregnant basically means meltdown. After 14 hours of labor and 4 hours of pushing (yes, 4, for one baby) as I was getting out of the delivery bed into a new bed, I was amazed at how AWESOME I felt! I couldn't believe how easy it was to move, and breathe! And although post pregnancy has its ups and downs I felt motivation so quickly to do things I never ever wanted to do pregnant. And then James started sleeping through the night and I was so happy. Until classes picked up again, and student teaching... Then things got stressful again. But this is what I've learned: that we were made to be mamas, and being a mama (even to many) will always be easier than juggling mamahood (or premamahood) with school or work. By this time next year, your life will be easier and happier with two babes than it was pregnant and a student right now. Good luck to you! You'll do great!

Caitlin Smith said...

Becky,
My name is Caitlin and I am having two fraternal twin boys. I am also 21 years old throughout this experience. I go through this type of emotional drain on like a weekly basis. I've accidentally said bad words, and I feel like a mess. (I'm LDS too!)

I stumbled upon your blog while searching twin pregnancy-related things online and I have really enjoyed reading such a relatable blog! Your birth story made me cry and I was a little afraid at first, but then I kept reading and I was glad I read it. You handled it really well.

Just wanted you to know I read your blog (mostly the old pregnancy posts right now but I also enjoy reading about the fun you have with the boys now) and it helps me! Also your boys are so cute it's insane.
Here's my blog in case you ever wonder what my pregnancy has been like or you want another person to relate to:
http://gemcycle.blogspot.com