Saturday, March 17, 2012

My "Hair Lust" album on Pinterest has been misleading me.

Dear self,
Stop trying to grow your hair out long. You do not look like the girls on Pinterest with long hair, you look like yourself with long hair with long hair. You do not know how to do fancy things to your hair, and frankly, my dear - you have twins and no time to learn how to braid upside down and backwards.

Here are the things that you hate about having long hair, stop forgetting them:
1. Your hair is not frizzy, wavy, curly, or interesting in anyway. It is not especially thick or thin, it is merely lank and staticky.
2. THERE IS HAIR EVERYWHERE. It is in the drain of all the sinks and the tub. It is all over the floor. It is collecting in the armpits of sweaters and crotches of sweatpants when you put clothes in the dryer with out a dryer sheet, and sometimes it collects there anyway.
3. Your hair gets all up in your business. It pokes you in the eye, tries to strangle you when the windows are down in the car, and is always in your mouth when you try to eat, kiss, or breath outside.
4. For some reason, your hair breaks. That means that you have a short wispy halo of antennae at all times, waving about in the breeze. It also means that you have a thin, short, second layer of bangs underneath your real bangs.  It looks silly. It looks like you're trying to be Amelie, but without a proper hair technician, only a four-year old with scissors.
5. When you have long hair you have to both wash and style it, or you look like a sloppy stay-at-home mom (which you are). If you have short hair, you look relatively put together and not like a boy, like you think you do. Plus, if you think you look like a boy, then you are encouraged to wear make-up and skirts, which will make you feel better about yourself anyway.
6. Stop watching shows with Zooey Deschanel in them. Your hair and her hair ARE DIFFERENT. When you see her while you have short hair, you will think "I want to grow my hair out, and have it look like that, because it is pretty." Your hair will not look like that when it is grown out. Your hair is flat and staticky. It is too thin for good bangs. It is too undamaged for even the slightest curl.  Need I remind you that you spend AN HOUR curling your hair and it still looks dumb? It will not look like Zooey. It never will, unless you wear a wig. Stop dreaming. Stop growing your hair out.
7. You want to look like pretty high-schoolers from teen dramas. Admit that to yourself, and admit it to the world. You are not on Gossip Girl. You have accomplished more, been more awesome places, and are less superficially pretty than the pretty girls with long-hair from your own old high school. Please, Becky. Stop trying to grow your hair out for people that you do not really care about, and who are probably jealous of you anyway.
8. Your babies pull your hair. ALL DAY LONG. It hurts. It sucks. On a daily basis, you lose a child-sized fist of hair, straight from the scalp. It will not matter that your babies may be two or three-years old when you decide to grow your hair again. Jack pulled Mom's hair until he was like seven, and you'll be having more babies soon enough.

Please, short-haired Becky, do not forget these things when you have short hair. You always forget them. You spend months (YEARS!) growing your hair back out and it is in ugly in-between stages for the majority of that time.
And then summer comes, and your hair is long and you remember that YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE LONG HAIR.
Go get your hair cut, already.
Do not grow it out. It is a mistake.

Love always, long-haired Becky

p.s. You are pretty.
p.p.s. {Here} is my Hair Lust album. I know you're curious now.

Some of my current short-hair inspirations.
I'm going to go take the plunge soon.
Sometime this week!

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Emma said...

At this very moment, I am trying to pry my hair from Gabe's little fist while simultaneously trying to stop him from eating a Kmart catalog. I thought it was slightly ironic. My hair is the shortest it's been in a long time though.

Nana B said...

I love your hair short!!!!!!!!!

Sara said...

I've been second-guessing my decision to grow out my hair again for a while. This post did it. Goodbye, icky long hair. I'm going back to the pixie cut.

Alissa Moghtaderi said...

I have long hair. Short hair doesn't work for me like it does for you, and I am not really that interested in regular haircuts, which cost $100 in New York City. When I go to work, I wear it long and straight down my back, but at home it is always, always up in a bun because of the hair pulling. A couple weeks ago one of my twin-dad friends saw me with my hair down and said it looked pretty and he doesn't know why I wear it up all the time. His wife reminded him her own hair has been in a ponytail since their twins were born, four days before mine.

Anyway, my point is that my hair looks good when I am not with my babies, but your hair looks good all the time. Congratulations on the new cut!

Natasha and Jesse said...

I used to have short hair and it was so easy to take care of- my husband likes my hair longer though so I haven't been back to it. I love the short hair picture in the bottom right!

melifaif said...

Oh man oh man!!! This made me laugh so hard...and made me second guess my long hair. Oh sheeet!!!

My Tales with Two said...

Love the hair cut! I feel your pain on the "my hair is just never going to look like hers" vibes. I am obsessed with Kate Walsh's hair. I am so tempted to take the picture to the salon and try to get them to replicate, but realize they're not miracle workers. And with my own 3 month old twins, I certainly have no time to try to work magic in front of the mirror.