Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Not Pregnant

I am not pregnant.
In case, like me, you were convinced that I was; in case you were one of the dozen people I told; in case you overheard me talking loudly through my open window about when I thought this baby's due date would be...
I'm not.

Just to be clear, we weren't trying to get pregnant. In fact, we are pretty consciously trying not to get pregnant. A month ago, I felt queasy, and said to Travis, "Am I late? When was my last period?"
"You aren't pregnant," he said.
"I can't remember, though," I said. "Was it a month ago? Only two weeks ago?"
And then, to save on money (because I obsessively buy and use pregnancy tests), I made myself a deal. I would not buy a pregnancy test until the first of August, because then an entire month would have gone by and I would definitely be late, and positively be pregnant.

But I found a pregnancy test under my bathroom sink a few days later. So I used it.
There was no tell-tale second pink line, but that didn't bother me. I'd taken three(!!) pregnancy tests the first time I was pregnant and they were all negative, including one when I was eight weeks along (and with twins!)
So I don't trust pregnancy tests. I think that I have magical pregnancy-test-fooling-urine. (Yet, I still use them all the time.)
And every day that passed, I became more convinced that I was pregnant. I fished out the still half-full bottle of prenatal vitamins from my first pregnancy and started taking them.  I stopped myself from buying discounted shorts for next summer, because who knows what size I'd be next June? I started researching maternity insurance.
And I was sure.
I knew it.
I tried to convince Travis that I was pregnant, and he tried to reason that I wasn't, because the pregnancy test said I wasn't.

The first of August came and went. It had been over a month since I first thought I might be pregnant. I was at least two weeks late, maybe more. Every time I felt even a bit of a craving for anything, it was because I was pregnant. Every time I felt like I wanted a nap, it was because I was pregnant. Every time I burst into tears over something silly, it was because I was pregnant.
But I wasn't.
And I'm not.
I was just late.

And I let myself get so excited for her. Her. I felt that she was a her, the same way that I felt there was a set of boy twins in me the first time. Did you know that I knew I was pregnant with twins? I knew it. Every time we went to the midwife and listened to the heart beat, I would ask over and over again, "Are you sure there's only one? You don't hear another heart beat?"
The midwife would laugh and say, "No, I promise, there's just the one heart beat and you're the right size for one baby."
But she was wrong and I was right.
And I was so convinced that I was right this time, too. I would spend the entire day, telling Travis about her. I knew what I wanted to name her. How I wanted to dress her. The quilt I would make for her to snuggle up in.  I browsed through baby knitting patterns and told Travis over and over that I needed to finish all these crafts for the boys before we found out for certain that I was pregnant, and I only wanted to make things for the baby.
I started planning quiet books for the boys, but instead of making plans for two books, I was making plans for three.
I fell asleep at night thinking about all the little things that we would do as a family of  five, trying to decide how to help the boys understand that there was a baby in my belly, and imagining how adorable our family portraits would be.
I have four pregnant friends, and every day I thought about how lovely it would be for us to all have babies the same age. Every time I saw a child that looked like Travis, me, or our siblings, I would muse about what this baby would look like. Blond hair and blue eyes like her brothers? Or would she have olive skin like me, and green eyes like her grandpa? Would she be chubby and round like her mama, or tall and skinny like all my boys?

I was so sure that this was meant to be. Did you know that my IUD came out a few months ago? It fell out, people. (Not normal.) At the time, I said to Travis, "This better not be a sign from God that it's time to get pregnant again."
We couldn't afford another IUD, so we are on a different kind of birth control now, and all last month I kept thinking, "If I'm pregnant now, when we are so actively trying to prevent it, it is meant to be. It's time for our family to have another baby. This baby wanted to come and there's no stopping her!"

And yet.
She isn't real.
I can't get over it. I can't figure it out.
I keep thinking, maybe this period is a fluke. Maybe it's not really a period. Maybe it's "spotting," although I feel like I could tell the difference.
Maybe it's a miscarriage and I was pregnant for a few weeks, and now I'm not... but again, I think I would probably be able to tell.

I think, really, all it is - is a late period, and a woman who is not pregnant after all.
And even though we didn't think that we were ready for another, and even though it's scary and the boys are so little and we are so poor...
I find that I am  heartbroken over the fact that there really is no baby inside my body.
And if you have a new baby, I would like to come hold her and make myself feel better, please.

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23 comments:

emilyjeankelly said...

When we first started trying to get pregnant (we now have 6 month old twin girls) I think I had an hysterical pregnancy. I was SO convinced I got pregnant that first month and I was all of a sudden craving bananas and was super tired all the time. I was heartbroken when I got my period.

Don't worry. You will have her when she is ready and when you guys are ready. And I hope you find a baby to hold.

Niccki1211 said...

My best friend kinda went through the same thing, thought she might be pregnant took a test negative, had some blood but it was only for a few days thought nope not pregnant, then the next month no bleeding took another test positive. Went to the DR they did an u/s turned out she was 11 weeks along not the 5 or 6 she thought she was!! So it is possible that you are actually pregnant but maybe not also. Oh and it was my friends third child so she knew her body also, but the test and the blood were all wrong!!

Miriam said...

She will come when you do not expect her, so she will be a huge surprise... and a big smile on your face :-)

Greetings from Spain!

Betsy Hite Reddoch said...

I have found that knowing if and when to add to your family is one of life's toughest questions. It's why I hope to just turn up pregnant one day without deciding to try if I am in fact supposed to have another baby.

In any case, I'm sorry for your loss Becky. Even though you weren't pregnant at all it's still the loss of a dream for your future child and your life together.

And just some practical advice - the best place to buy pregnancy tests is the dollar store! Totally accurate (well, as accurate as any other pregnancy test) and totally cheap.

Melissa Knott said...

You are welcome to come hold ours in T Minus 2 MONTHS AND 1 WEEK!!!!

Mandey Ejiasi said...

I always think I'm pregnant. And although I know hubs isn't ready now (or maybe ever) for another, I always secretly hope I am. I want another. I want another accident. A couple of times I was so convinced I started taking prenatals. I think it's all pretty normal for someone who really wants a baby. It's nice you can talk to Travis about this stuff because I could never talk to hubs about me thinking I'm pregnant without freaking him out.

travis pitcher said...

@Mandey- Becky does freak me out with her pregnancy talks. I am probably more like your husband. I couldn't see how we could deal with two toddlers and a newborn while running my own business. It would probably be too much.

That being said, when she (or he) comes along, and hopefully at the right time, they will be very very welcome into our home and family. Even if it isn't the best time, we will love them SO much. Men get baby hungry too. Just not like women!

Teeners said...

Please come and hold our baby-- a little over 3 months away! We tried for 2 years for him, so we are just excited to have him! I heard that you can get cheap pregnancy tests from Canada, which will make you less guilty to do one all the time!

Becky said...

It is like reading about my own life. I thought I was pregnant because I was nauseated and tired and cramping without bleeding and I was 4 days late. I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. I waited a week with no change. Still nauseated, still tired, still crampy, still no period. Took another pregnancy test, still negative. I'm 13 days late and still nothing, but I'm forced to believe my pregnancy tests even though it is a little disappointing.

Whenever you think you are pregnant, it is disappointing to see that negative pregnancy test. Your baby will come to you in the right time.

The Jacksons said...

I wish I didn't live 4 hours away from you. I'd be bring my one month old GIRL for you to rock to sleep for me. I need someone just like you, next door to me. That way when I've tried everything to get her to sleep, I can bring her to you.

P.S. We weren't trying for this one either. My older daughter had just turned 15 months when we found out I was pregnant..accidents do happen!

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Chelsea Kay said...

I'm sad for you :( My husband and I are on our first month of trying right now (ever) and I am positive I am pregnant. BUT, know that I'm probably not. I'm setting my self up for disappointment because I am doing the same things. I keep telling my self I'm exhausted, not because I own a dance studio and have been doing dance camps from 9-4 everyday lol, but because I'm certain I'm pregnant. We shall see.....

I'm sorry this happened. Maybe it is a sign you are ready to start trying again :)

Kendall said...

I am so sorry this happened and that you had to go through such a heartbreak. It is definitely a loss. I remember when the hubby and I were trying to have Wyatt - I thought I was pregnant every other month - and each time I tested, a little piece of my heart broke. Because I wanted a baby so badly. Sending you lots of love. xo.

Angela Bailey said...

I've been there. Now I refuse to go there again. After TTC for over two years (and no success to speak of) I will NOT allow myself to EVER think I'm pregnant again.

I'm so sorry you had to experience it at all, though. It sucks so very much.

I can't wait for MY baby, but I also hope and pray you get YOUR little girl when God is ready for you to have one. (Isn't that the only way people get babies anyway?)

:-)

xo,
A

Zaralex said...

Travis' comment was very very sweet :)

And I just thought I was too!! I think if you have been pregnant in the past, every time it's late you're like, I must be again! And of course all that stuff occurs... like I had different cravings, or smelled weird smells and parts of you secretly hope you are... even though you know it's not the right time... but...

then your period comes, and you realize it's because it's not the right time. And I feel like that brings you peace :) If it's ever supposed to happen again... it probably will :)

Celia said...

I love you, Becky! You are an amazing Mama and you definitely have the heart to love many more children. I know they are coming, and she will be one of them. Also, Travis is a good husband :) Loved his comment.

Sarah Hudson said...

Oh, that's not fun. I had the same thing happen ... sort of ... only it was my mom. She thought she was pregnant. I KNEW she was pregnant. I could sense my baby sister. And then ... nothing.

You'll get your little girl sometime. I know you will.

Rachel said...

I've had this happen, too. It's kind of the worst, isn't it? I mean, there is no baby, so you haven't actually lost one, but you have. Especially if you've spent like a month thinking about it, dreaming about it, both excited and nervous and terrified. I wondered (when it happened to me): should I have a baby now? Is that what it means? because my husband is just starting graduate school and we have no money and... lots of reasons not to. but maybe it is time! and you will get that girl someday.

p.s. your boys are the cutest

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Howard 6 said...

I cry a little each month, sometimes real tears and sometimes just feel like I should be. For every month I get my period, is another month I am not pregnant. Now this makes even less sense, considering I had my tubes tied 5 years ago, July 3rd. But, secretly, I am hoping that God has other plans for our family of 6. I understand what you say and hope that when it's time, you will get your girl.
Kristen in NC

Katherine Murphy said...

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Rachel Chip said...

oh, thinking about you as you move one without the baby you thought you would have. If you do really think it could be a miscarriage you can still take a pregnancy test now, the pregnancy hormones will be in your body for a while after the miscarriage. I had a miscarriage at home after 12 weeks of pregnancy and it was noticably different than just a peroid, but maybe taking a pregnancy test now would still give you peace of mind? I can totally relate, after 2 years of infertility I still feel sad every time I have a peroid now, even though weren't not even trying to get pregnant now. Thank you for sharing your heart!

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