Lately lots of people have teased me saying (sometimes with an edge of hurt in their voices, I fear) that I don't have time to call or email anyone, but somehow manage to consistently write on my blog.
I just can't can't leave my blog alone, and maybe I have some explaining to do.
Especially to the sweet friends and family who have been calling, texting, emailing, sending presents and getting no response from me.
Here's what's going on:
I need this blog.
I think I've mentioned that I don't really journal.
But I get my feelings out through writing.
And as you can probably imagine, I'm feeling a lot lately. I'm going through so much every single day, and there's so much I don't want to forget and want to document immediately, and my blog is how I manage.
The blog also calms me down. Seriously.
I can't think of a better way for me to process something and figure out how I think about it than writing about it on my blog.
Last night I tried to explain it to Travis, but when I blog I have to process what happened, how and why it happened.
And then, I have to figure out how I feel about it. I find myself asking "What response will people have to this?" Then, "What response do I want them to have to this?" Then, "Why?"
And after I write about something, like the boys' birth story, I know how I really feel about it.
And I've thought it through, and realized what's important about it and what isn't.
For example, I think it's important for me to remember how scared I was, and how desperately I wanted my boys. I think it's important to remember and document how hard it was, especially because everything ended up okay.
It took me all three days to write that birth story, and I would write for a half hour and then read through what I'd written a half-dozen times.
And as I dozed in and out of consciousness over the next few hours I would try to remember and think about what to write next.
How do I tell the story I want to? Especially when I'm still in the midst of the story?
And writing about my frustration with not seeing the boys helped make it okay.
I'm okay now. And I wasn't okay when I started writing.
So to those of you who have sent me gifts, texts, messages and emails and not gotten so much as a "Thank you. I acknowledge that I have received this email," I am sorry.
Hopefully I will email you soon.
But don't keep your fingers crossed.
I haven't got much time these days, and I'm only making time for absolute necessities, like the boys, food, the blog, a little tiny bit of sleep uninterrupted by crying or pumping.
But thank you. I really do appreciate and need your love and support.
Every time you comment or email, I feel a bit better.
And when Mama feels better, everyone feels better, right?
So you're helping the boys too.
And speaking of, are they not the cutest boys you've ever seen in your entire lives?
(Yes. They are.)