Weight is a weird thing to talk about, especially since nearly everyone that I know is trying to lose weight.
And I'm trying not to.
Yes. I am actively working not losing weight. I am, in fact, trying to gain weight.
Breastfeeding twins wreaks havoc on my body in one main way: I burn so many calories that I think I may be starving to death.
I actually weigh 20 lbs less than I did before I got pregnant, and I was at my ideal weight before I got pregnant, so 20 pounds is a big deal.
I know that a lot of people will read this and think that I'm really lucky, but save it. It's not something I'm happy about. I don't look good. I don't feel that good.
I look a bit skeletal and I feel wasted. I am tired (which makes sense since I'm not getting more than 6 hours of sleep per 24 hours, and never for more than two hours at a time), but it's more than that.
My body temperature is wonky. Sometimes I'm sweating so bad that I have to totally strip down, and 15 minutes later I need to bundle myself up in ten layers and the idea of taking off my shirt to nurse makes me want to cry. All the while Travis sits next to me, comfortable in a t-shirt and jeans. It's not the temperature that's freaking out, it's me.
It still hurts like crazy to use the bathroom, and I'm pretty sure that wasn't supposed to last 3 months after the babies came.... but I'll spare you the details on that front.
And even though I'm constantly tired, I can lie down in my bed for an hour or more and not fall asleep.
Something is wrong with my body, and it scares me.
It scares me that I weigh so little. I don't know what to do, since I eat every chance I get - but I don't get that many chances.
It's easy to blog while holding a baby. It's a bit trickier to use the bathroom while holding a baby, but I've managed it (stop judging, you).
It is almost impossible for me to make a sandwich while holding a baby.
And I don't eat processed food, so I can't ever just grab myself a McDonalds burger on the go. (It would end up as vomit, and that is probably for the best - since it's SO bad for you, and nasty. I hate fast food.)
I can no longer wear my wedding ring, because the other day I was walking and it literally slid off of my finger. I mean, I knew it was getting loose and all my pants are too big but - seriously.
Even my fingers are too skinny for their own good.
Anyway. This post is weird.
I'm not looking for advice or compliments on how skinny I am (which make me feel highly uncomfortable, by the way) but I wanted to vent a bit about this problem.
It scares me.
I don't know what to do.