Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Sometimes blogging is hard

So I was reading through old blog posts from when we went to Africa, about monkeys with blue balls and how I threw up in the Indian Ocean and about how I was attacked by a CHICKEN EATING ANT, and I said to Travis "Dang! I'm really funny."
And he said for probably the billionth time in as many days "You should write about stuff on your blog besides the babies," because he thinks I'm really funny and smart. He thinks I'm interesting. He thinks I'm an okay photographer but a really good writer, which is sweet.
And makes me feel pretty special.
But writing on my blog about things besides the babies is hard, and here's a list of reasons why:

1. Pretty much the babies are all I think of, all day long.
"Example?" you beg. "Why sure."
Travis calls on Skype and is like "I'm in Cancun. Here's my awesome hotel room. Giant hot tub. Spa. Awesome view. UNDERWATER MUSEUM!?"
And I'm like "That's fine, but listen to THIS: Micah pooped more than usual today and it still smells like cheese."
And he's like "Look at my polo that makes me look like a douche bag, let me tell you about the flabby white people here, free room service, open bar, I wish you were here etc."
And I'm like "Today I was pumping and my milk was slightly more watery than usual, also Grey keeps drooling."
Because, seriously. I can't even hold conversations anymore unless they're about how often my child poops, or what my breast milk is like.

2. My audience is apparently everyone.
A)  I did not start this blog as a way to update my family. I started it for me. Because I love to write and to document. Because I want to remember how I felt and looked and was during all of THIS. ("This" being pregnancy at first, and now motherhood.)
However, my family does come to this blog for updates.  And sometimes I want to write about how my crotch feels like it's been repeatedly kicked by someone with the powerful legs of David Beckham but then I remember that this blog is where my grandpa man comes for baby updates. And I think "He doesn't want to read about my lady parts." So I don't write that blog post.
B)  And then sometimes my mother-in-law or my little sister or my aunt calls to say that she's upset and offended by something she's read on the blog, which I thought was perfectly harmless and then I'm left feeling like a total jerk when all I meant was that some people aren't that good at holding babies and I didn't mean them specifically. (And this very line, where I accuse them of being offended will probably offend someone. And it isn't meant to. And I'm sorry in advance. Because I shouldn't have singled you out specifically - but I made a rule for this post which is "no deleting after you write it, unless it's for grammatical reasons")
C) And then sometimes I want to write about the rampaging elephants who thunder around above us all day and night and the mom who vacuums at midnight (seriously?) and the dad who is the loudest talker ever, especially at 6am - when it is perfectly alright to talk quietly.
But they go to our church and I know a few people from church who read this blog and would know who I was talking about and I don't want her to read it and feel bad because honestly - she is super mom.
She is amazing. Albeit, really really noisy.
D) And then sometimes I start all my sentences with "And then sometimes."
But moving on.
Then sometimes I write all of this anyways and I am 100% sure that at least one person will be upset by this post. And then I feel guilty and delete the post, which is where lots of my posts end up. Deleted.
E) And sometimes I want to write things like "Hells yeah I do," or "Super kick-ass" or etc. where I use the bad language that makes my husband give me frowny face, but I don't because then people judge me, and also call me to tell me that I should be a better example of what mormons are like on my blog.
But sometimes mormons swear, too. And mostly I swear in jest, or when I'm exhausted, or when I stub my toe very hard in the middle of the night.
And I would like to be able to occasionally say, on the blog, "I am a kick-ass mom."
Because, seriously. I am. (I'm breastfeeding twins, yo. It's daaaaamn hard work. It's impressive.)
F) And sometimes I bump into people who I haven't seen in years and they say something about the blog and I think "Oh crap. Did I write a post about how frustrated I used to be with my stupid old youth group leader on my blog last week? Yep. I sure did. She must have read it."
G) And people like to write in comments "It's your blog, write what YOU want." And that's a pretty sure fire way to destroy all my relationships. And I don't think that having a platform to speak means you can say whatever the hell you want. (Yep. I am using the word hell, since I'm already on a roll.) Because other people have feelings too. I just wish your feelings weren't so sensitive.
My mother in law said to me last week "Sometimes I'm surprised you still have friends after some of the things you've written on the blog."
Which is crazy, because I don't think of myself as an abrasive or cruel person. I am opinionated, sure. Frustrated with other people, often. Mean? I don't think so.
But maybe I am. And I just don't know it.

3. I am melodramatic.
Yeah. My dad used to call me "The Queen of Hyperbole."
And it's true that I'm losing copious amounts of weight (20lbs, not an exaggeration). And it's true that my sons' birth was terrifying and stressful. And it's true that I am not getting any sleep.
But apparently when I write on the blog as though I am dying, people think that I actually am dying. And they show up with food, and to make me feel guilty about making them feel guilty about not helping me more.
And Travis says "Maybe you should write about things besides yourself on the blog. And maybe you shouldn't say that you only got 45 minutes of sleep when you slept for almost three hours."
"But I feel like I only got 45 minutes of sleep," I say.
And he says "But you didn't."
Which is true.
But then I'm mad.
And I want to vent out my feelings.

And consequently someone else's feelings get hurt. And their feelings are just as important as mine.
I suppose.
I mean... yeah. They are.
But still. Then I'm more mad.
Because this is my blog. Can't I write that I'm tired or hungry without people thinking what I really mean is "I'm tired and hungry and it's your fault?"
Because it's not your fault.
I would say the fault lies with two squirmy babies who never sleep when I tell them to.
Because they can't speak English.
Or because they're pretending and are disobedient.

Anyway. I'm making myself publish this right now before I chicken out, even though I haven't totally finished my thought processes.
What I wanted to say is: stop being offended by the stuff I write on my blog, there is only a very very slim chance that it's aimed at you. So snap out of it.
AND, I'm going to try to write about other stuff once a week.
I have a new goal. Maybe it will be a friday feature, where every week I write a post that isn't about my babies.
Yeah. That's it. I will do that.

And vote for me. I feel guilty asking people to vote for me, because I know it probably annoys you but whatever.
I want votes. So do it, or I'll be mad at you and write a mean blog post about what a crappy friend you are.
Or I won't.
Because I don't want to hurt your feelings. But you should vote because I'm awesome and so are my babies.

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Polly said...

Wow, your hilarious!

Emily said...

Can I just tell you, if I could go back in time and stop myself from telling people I actually know read my blog, I would. It stops me from writing the way I feel about things and people. Mostly rude people on facebook.
But at least you write it.
So I say good for you.
And baby brain happens. I'm pretty sure it happens till your kid's at least twenty. I like reading about your boys.


The Jacksons said...

You're awesome. And when you write about how people drive you insane, it's awesome. After all, it is your blog and you should be able to write whatever the heck you want. Even if it is to rant and rave about the idiot elephant upstairs. I say forget about all of the "sensitive" feelings out there and write what you want! Even if it is about your darling boys every single day. I love reading about them. Keep up the good work you "kick-ass mom" :)

Chris said...

I am so offended. No just kidding because really you're way more offensive in person and I still love you.

Yolo Momma said...

......Or how about where you want to shout to the heavens about how much breast milk you pumped in one sitting! My husband and I seem to try and one up each other in claiming who has changed the absolute WORST diaper. BTW, we also cloth diaper with the same ones you use.

-Danica- said...

Haha, see - doesn't that feel good? I'm the queen of holding things back because others will be offended.. So I understand all the deleted posts. However, people have the choice to be offended, right? And maybe your grandpa doesn't love hearing about your crotch being kicked - but you might want to remember it one day and I'm willing to be he heard it plenty of times when your grandma was pregnant :)

Oh and I would have to agree on the kick-ass mom thing - breastfeeding twins is VERY impressive!

Shannon said...

Bahahaha! I laughed through this entire post. LOVED it! Especially the part about your disobedient English-speaking sons. I love your blog...and hearing about your babies.

Kristy said...

This was the greatest thing I've read in a long time. I'm guilty of censoring myself because I don't want to offend people, particularly my in-laws who already probably think I'm a heathen. Good for you for saying what you want! If others are offended by what you write, they don't have to read it. You can't be responsible for everyone elses' (I can't get that word right--every way I type it, it looks wrong! Moving on...) feelings. And it's rude of them to expect you to be. Just my 2 cents. BTW I think you're hilarious. And I hope that you do start talking about yourself, but only if you want to. More of us should be more open about crotch pain after children, and all those other horrible things that happen that no one talks about. And now I'm ending the world's longest comment. :)

Unknown said...

Hi, I am just a blog stalker, and just happened upon your blog. I have never written on someone's blog I don't know... But i LOOOOVVVEE this post. If I were as ballsy as you I would write the same thing on mine! Seriously awesome!

Courtney said...

I just read this post, and ALMOST died laughing through the entire thing. And then went on to read the comments..and someone posted about being a blog stalker and you're hilarious, and then I started laughing even harder. Drama queen - I get that, all women are..aren't we? As for the babies, we all love hearing about them!

Jen said...

Well, I have to say I think that it's wise to try to avoid burning bridges via blog writing. That being said, it's really important that you blog for YOU and not for others.

If you blog for everyone else then everything just gets generic and flat. If you blog for you (ie... go ahead and blog about your babies if they're all you think about!) then you'll have some very committed readers who have the same interests and/or life experiences as you!

I hope you keep it up either way. I think you have a wonderful writing voice and your honesty about your life and what it's like to a mother of twins is refreshing!

MARCIE said...

So this business about not deleting what you have written is crap. It's called editing. People who speak without thinking don't have the option of taking something back, but when you write, you can re-think, or re-phrase, or eliminate something that your conscience tells you is inappropriate. You don't mean to offend, of course, and in our family we often are sarcastic or teasing which can sometimes be cruel, so we can't be that way around everyone. (I edited this part out).
Better just say DON'T STOP WRITING, we all enjoy what you write, and like you, I have such a high opinion of myself that I am never offended by what you write. Just try not to be so whiney. No offense.

Nana B said...

OMG you are so funny. And yes you have been the drama queen since you were about 1 and started talking and acting out. I have home movies of it to prove it. But everyone that knows you knows that about you and we still love you. We might raise our eyebrows once in a while about things you write, but they are for you and your boys to remember this special time in your life. So for those that get offended - buzz off - she is our Becky and we don't want her to change - so there. Love always, Grandma Mary
p.s. you can write about your crotch cuz grandpa Roger doesn't read your words, he just looks at the photos of the boys.

Mallory said...

Haha! I laughed through this post, and loved it. So, so true. I saw someone above said that if they could go back in time and not tell the people they know to follow their blog they would. And I kind of/totally agree with that. I started my blog as a way to document my life, and to write out how and what I am feeling (I guess the reason most people start a blog) And now, there is SO much I would love to say, but can't for fear of hurting the people in my life that read it.

I know I kind of just repeated what you said, but...I hear ya! Ahh it's frustrating!

Anonymous said...

I really like you, who you are, as a person, but I think that you are not the same person who writes this blog. Often you seem so arrogant and self-satisfied. I reckon everyone could use a bit more tact -even if it is YOUR blog. If you wanted it to be a place where you said whatever the hell you wanted, you wouldn't be trying to make this blog popular. Truth is, you want readers and you want a well-known blog. All writers know that they have an audience. You should come to terms with that or make a private thought journal. You have an audience so write for them. For every person who thinks you are "hilarious" there are probably 10 more people who think "this was weird. Why does she think she's so awesome? Everyone has difficult times, that doesn't make her a martyr." You are a good person, you can be funny, people do love you. Practice a little self-control.

MARCIE said...

OK, I am back to comment again because I got to thinking that sometimes controversy is what makes writing interesting. And not everyone is going to like us, no matter what.
I have to laugh at the comment above because I love that you think you are awesome! We should all have that much self-esteem. Because I know you and love you I think you are hilarious. And I also love that Travis loves you so much. And there are times when we all feel a little bit like a martyr. Isn't that part of motherhood? Ha ha!

Marge Bjork said...

This is interesting to me because I feel like your blog always comes across as rather balanced and healthy. Often tact and "niceness" is unhealthy and inhibits relationships.

I am ever impressed by your gratitude for your family and friends and your joy in your children.

kaylie jean. said...

Your grandmas are hilarious. I loved this post.

Emily said...

You are hysterical and this post totally cracked me up. It's a miracle you have two seconds to type, let alone pop out hilariousness!

BleuMoon said...

I just discovered your blog yesterday through circle of moms - blogs/parents about multiples (not sure of the official category) I looked through every blog, and decided to follow the realistic one's - the one's I can relate to and are funny and snarky while being helpful. I was really moved when I read your birth story - I am going on 19 weeks pregnant with fraternal twin boys - and your blog is helping me understand what I am in for. Thank you Thank you Thank you - Keep it up! I started a blog, but don't plan on sharing with my family so I won't have to censor my thoughts - that is why I use facebook - that is where I have my censorship.

I look forward to reading more about the boys and the breastfeeding and the diapers - that is why I follow -

Little Gray Pixel said...

I know exactly what you're talking about! I wrote something about my self-censoring tendencies a while back, too.