Wednesday, October 8, 2014

To Hear Myself Talk

I know I disappeared.
It was kind of nice to completely ignore this little blog for a couple weeks, but the truth is: I can't keep away.
I'm addicted to blogging. The first blog I can remember having is a Xanga - maybe my freshman year of high school? I have vague memories of a middle school Live Journal- but I'm not certain I didn't imagine that one. But whether I was 13 or 14 when I first started writing my thoughts online like this- I've been doing it regularly for over a decade. And it's my favorite medium for writing and remembering.

Sometimes I feel so frustrated with this blog. I want it to be more beautiful with better design and photography. I want it to be more popular, with regular readers and some kind of profit. I want it to be more or less personal than it is, or more inspiring, or or or... I don't know.
But this blog, like every other blog I've ever written: is me.
The first blogs, were teenage me. This is Becky. I like boys, and ARGH! Why don't the boys I like, like me back? I saw a funny movie, here's a hilarious exaggerated story, some thoughts on a book I thought were deep (probably a Vonnegut), a recorded conversation, and a blurry picture of myself trying to look like I have smaller teeth than I really do.
Then, there was young adult Becky's blog. (Personally, I think that blog is hilarious and enjoy the occasional reread.) Lots of recorded conversations, lots of stories about people who annoy me and stories about how great I am. (I've got a thing about that, apparently. Shameless, really.) Stories of life at college with roommates and best friends, stories of falling in love with this man I've now been married to for five years, and photography that stumbled along- trying to improve itself, and slowly became something bearable.

And new-Mom Becky. From newly married and newly pregnant to three children and a mad house filled with colored-in children's books, Batman costumes, and the occasional rotten apple I pull out from under the furniture. (How long has THAT been there?!) Still recording funny conversations, observations on life that I think are deep, and the occasional post (like this) where I just blabber endlessly.
I still write blog posts in the middle of the night, when I can't sleep (3:46am right now.) My photography is of my children, my home, the things I make, and my own face.

I still write for validation and acknowledgement. I want people to chime in and say, "Me too! I feel you!" I want them to say, "I love you and I like you!" And even, "You're a good mom, writer, photographer, wife, friend, person!"
But the truth is, I mainly write for me. Even when no one comments, I can't help but write. Even when my posts aren't funny, insightful, or unique- I can't help but post them. Sometimes, I feel like I'm typing just to type, (didn't your mom ever scold you, "Stop talking just to hear yourself talk!")- but I can't help it.
I'm typing just to feel myself type. Because I love to write, even if what I'm writing isn't anything special.
But what I'm getting at is this, I guess: it is special.
This blog is beautiful, boring, messy, unimportant and important TO ME. It is a chapter in the book of my life, the chapter called "I'm too tired to title this chapter because my beautiful children don't sleep at night."
And someday when I've moved on to the next blog (Homeschooling Mom Blog? Traveling Mom Blog? Okay, probably just Regular Mom Blog.) this little Baby Making Blog will have been the happy little moment in between it and young-adult Becky.
And someday when I have time and money (okay, so never) I'll take all these essays and put them into a book that my kids will be too embarrassed to read.
And now, even though it's 4am- I am in a hotel with a jacuzzi tub. So maybe Imma take a bath. I really want to eat a bowl of cereal in said jacuzzi tub (because I know how to par-tay), but I think room service probably won't just bring me a gallon of milk and a box of fruit loops, and if they do- I'm sure it will be exorbitantly over-priced.
So good night. And good morning.
And I'll see you around here again soon.


amberly said...

I want you to know, I've been silently reading your blog since your twins were a few months old, and I don't think I'll ever stop. I love it, so keep writing.

Shantel said...

I'm also a silent reader! I always feel a little weird commenting - but I love your blog and your words. I think you are a great mom, and a good person. I think that if we knew each other in real life - we'd be friends. :) (Or at least, I hope so!)

The Jacksons said...

Another shameless reader here. I've been following your blog since you were about 7 months pregnant with the boys! I love reading your blog every day and find inspiration from you almost daily. I want to be a better mom because of you, I want to go to the park more because of you, and read, cook, bake more because of you! So keep on writing. Recently, I found myself so upset with my 3 littles (4,2 &7m) and couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. Enter your post about postpartum depression and it had me written all over it. After purchasing some Folate at the health foods store, I'm back to feeling normal again. So, if anything, you've helped me find myself again and that's an awesome thing, Becky :) love your blog, you and your little family!

Mr. and Mrs. Hillarious said...

Keep on keeping on. I love your blog because it is real. And as a mom of four small boys, I can relate to the things you write in many ways.

Party of Three Heads said...

Keep it up! I love reading your blog, and looking a fantastic pictures of your precious kiddos!

Jessica said...

Not sure how much I have commented in here but I love checking in every once in a while and have many, "yes! I agree!" moments so I'll make sure I comment more so you know it. :)

Oh and you should use It does all the work for you!