Wednesday, August 1, 2012

A super awesome, really great, AMAZING walk with my children

This morning we went on a walk.
Today, like every day, we were playing outside and my kids took off together, running down the sidewalk. So I followed. We like to walk around the block and explore, look at flowers, climb up and down steps, knock on every door we pass, etc.

Then, about half way around the block, they started running into the road.
Over and over again. I would pull them back, and say, "No, we stay in the yards, the road is for cars. Don't go in the street."
And they would run back into the street.
They didn't even feign obedience. There was not even a two-second delay between my reprimands and their next attempt.
Why didn't I hold their hands or pick them up, you ask? Well, maybe you've forgotten that I have TWO toddlers.
Micah started screaming. He screamed for the 20 minutes it took to get back home (yeah, we were only half way around our block, and it took 20 minutes to get home.) If I picked him up, he was kicking, flailing, punching, and biting. It took at least all my arms and willpower to contain him, and I also had another child to deal with.
Grey, equally maddening, was grinning. He was smiling, shaking his head no, and repeating under his breath "Ro, ro, ro." (I can't decide if he was saying "No" or "road"), because he knew what he was doing was naughty, and he was loving it.
If I held their hands, they tried to break away by twisting and pulling their arms (Grey while smiling, Micah while screaming like he was being tortured.)
When they realized that I had a grasp like a mighty hawk, they lifted up their feet. So I could either drag them along behind me, or carry them over the sidewalk by one arm like screaming, kicking purses, but they refused to stand.
Despite me yelling things like, "YOU ARE MAKING BAD CHOICES! YOU NEED TO STAND UP AND WALK! STOP BITING ME THIS INSTANT!" they continued to be total and complete a-holes.

Several times, when I had them both by the wrist, and they were both sitting on the ground, refusing to budge (Micah, of course, screaming) I would let go of them and squat down, "We need to walk home, you need to make good choices. I can carry you or you can walk, but if you walk, you cannot go in the road."
Grey would get up and start running towards the street, while Micah would lie facedown and bang his own head against the cement. Then the screaming would redouble, because of the pain of his idiocy.
I would go grab Grey and return to see Micah sprawled out on the sidewalk having a total meltdown.
"Great. I will carry you," I would say (seriously, this happened like 5 times.)
I would pick Micah up while still holding Grey, take about four steps forwards, and then have to set them down, because they were kicking, hitting, and head butting me and each other and I had to put them down before I dropped them.
Somehow we made it home.
I gave each of my children a banana then I went into the bathroom and shut the door.
They made a HUGE mess in the living room, but it's better than me murdering them for being completely evil little demons, right?
Now they are sleeping in their beds. I guess tantrums and naughtiness can be exhausting.

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10 comments:

Melissa Knott said...

Although I am sorry it was such an... experience, I laughed at this. The joys of motherhood. I have so much to look forward to.

Your nicknames were hysterical.

Mrs. Head said...

Oh my goodness... So been there before, but only with 1!! While I would have hated to be you... It was pretty darn funny!! :) They'll make up for it later with their charm!

Betsy Hite Reddoch said...

I totally get this. I was telling my sister-in-law (who has one perfect 2 month old daughter) about a similar situation that happened to me on Sunday before church. When I described my kids as acting like "little jerks" she looked totally horrified. Glad to know my kids aren't the only a-holes around. Toddlers are hard.

Lana said...

I'm sorry. I can honestly say, I kind of know what you're going through. I had 8 toddlers today and 11 yesterday. 11 toddlers. 11. On those days I cry during my lunch break and curse their names. I wonder what would have happened with Micah if you had started to walk away from him -obviously not very far. Do you think he would have panicked and started running after you? Maybe it's worth a try.

Brittany said...

Story of my life! I've always wondered what was wrong with me because every time I take my girls out, something like this happens. I always see your popsicle and playing outside pictures and think, "Becky's boys are so well behaved." I'm grateful for this glimpse into reality. :/ SO sorry! But this line, "they continued to be total and complete a-holes." made me both laugh and applaud you. I think that sometimes, we moms are too afraid to admit that our kids can be a-holes. I'm glad you did because it makes me feel SO much more normal.

Do you need help moving to Salt Lake? I've been a sucky, sucky friend for...months. Time to get my act together!

Becky said...

It is so hard to reason with a one year old... let alone two. You are an awesome mommy for not being afraid to take your kids out even though it can be challenging.

Nicole Calvert said...

I appreciate the honesty in this. I don't think many people would admit to melt downs like this but we all know they can happen.

I also laughed out loud at your " you are making bad choices" attempt of reasoning.

I'm a newer reader and love stopping by here.

emilyjeankelly said...

My twin girls are 6 months old, but they are already showing signs of being incredibly strong willed. I am so nervous for when they are toddlers!

adjunct said...

Two year old Henry in Paris......nightmare. So I feel your pain, but be careful about calling babies a-holes because you will have to resort to worse when they are teenagers and really deserve to be called such a foul name.

Bonnie said...

Little A-holes. Love it. I like honest bloggers.