On Breasts and Their Milk

Here is a picture Grey took of me nursing this week. My hair looks weird and this picture is blurry and underlit.
Why isn't my three year-old a more professional photographer? Sheesh. 

August is sick. He isn't hospital-sick (for which I am extremely grateful), but he is sick enough that I need to forcibly pin him down (with the help of 4+ other capable adults) and suction out his nose every few hours. (Why are babies so strong?)
I'm up much of the night listening to his pathetic little cough and making sure that he's still breathing, and have spent the last few days being napped and drooled on while my big kids destroy the house around me.
I don't mind, really. It's not like I'm the one who's really suffering in this.
BUT, I'm a little annoyed that people keep trying to tell me that breastfed babies don't get sick.
Because my four month old has been sick like this twice. And my big kids (who are no longer breastfed- but were for a long time) are sick pretty much once a week.
And while we're at it: they have allergies and asthma and so do I. (Also breastfed.)

People. Let's clarify something: breastmilk is great. It is nutritional. It is made for your specific baby. It has some kind of antibody-some-or-other to help your baby keep from getting sick. #breastisbest, etc.
But it's also milk. It's not medicine.
When people tell me to squirt breastmilk into my child's ear to solve an ear infection, I actually want to laugh out loud.
Science. Can I explain science to you? Those aren't ear drops and even if they were, an ear infection is on the other side of that eardrum. And even if your magical milk could penetrate the eardrum, the problem is an excess of fluid back there. Adding your milk is not going to solve this problem. Okay. Tiny Ear Infection Rant over.

But my baby is all breastfed. He has literally never had anything from a bottle, even more breast milk. I nurse him unashamedly in public, because when a baby is hungry- you feed him. And I love to talk to my kids and other adults about breastfeeding, because I like it and think people don't know a lot about it.
Yes. I'm feeding August this way because breast is best. It is healthy, natural, free of charge, conveniently located on my chest and already warmed to the right temperature.
Mostly, that's it.
When August was a newborn, I was texting with another mom about breastfeeding and how stressful and guilt-ridden it can be. She said something along the lines of, "I know Moms who breastfeed are heroes and whatever, but..."
And I actually laughed out loud when I read that text.
Come on, people.
My kids would also describe breastfeeding moms as heroes, but mostly because they think it's a super power to be able to shoot milk from your body.
They really wish I could shoot frozen milk, or milk from my hands instead of my breasts- but you gotta take what you get when it comes to super powers.
But in general, breastfeeding moms aren't heroes. They're moms who don't want to buy formula.

Sure, I know there are probably some moms out there who have tackled unconquerable odds to breastfeed and they're heroes and whatever. But we're not talking about them. We are talking about regular run-of-the-mill moms who are looking up cupcakes on Pinterest while their baby nurses.
Maybe it's blogs like this and others, maybe it's Facebook, maybe it's that darn Upworthy- but we seem to want every little thing we do to be EPIC.
I DID THE ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE! (36 likes.)
I ATE THIS AMAZING PASTA AT SOME RESTAURANT! (8 likes.)
THIS TEEN GOT UP ON STAGE, WHAT HE DID NEXT WILL BLOW. YOU. AWAY. (473 likes.)

Just calm down, everybody. Calm your milky tits down.
(Okay. I wanted to title this post "Calm Your Milky Tits Down" but decided it was inappropriate. But I really needed to work that charming expression into this post somewhere.)

So, breastfeeding usually looks like this to me:
My baby makes a noise that is unhappy-ish (rarely cries, because he's perfect.) I look at the clock and go, "Oh, it's been three hours since you ate. Are you hungry?" I pull up my shirt. He latches on and eats. He pulls off to watch his noisy brothers and I shout say calmly, "Go play in another room for a few minutes, you're too distracting."
My big kids leave, and I continue to nurse August while scrolling through Etsy on my phone. August falls asleep at the breast. My breast, which is extremely anxious to please and good at what it does, continues to squirt milk like a mini-firehose into August's open mouth. It runs out of his mouth and on to my clothes. I notice, but don't mind, because it's nice to sit here in the semi-silence and hold my baby and look at my phone.
Eventually, he stirs again (probably because my noisy kids have come back). He keeps eating. He finishes and sits up and burps. I do it again on the other breast.
Here are some words I would use to describe those 20 minutes:
Pleasant.
Boring.
Wet.
Snuggly.
Endorphin-y.

(I would not use the word heroic here.)

Sometimes I think I would be a kick-A lactation consultant, because I'm not a crazy-person. I nursed two extremely difficult preemie babies and I did it at the same time, so I know that nursing can be a bitch. I know it can be something you want really, really badly. I know it can be hard, frustrating, exhausting, but possible.
But I also know that sometimes it's not possible.

If I were a lactation consultant, I would never say things to women like, "In 20 years of experience, I've never met a woman who couldn't breastfeed if she really tried."
Because in 3 years of experience, I've met multiple women who tried and cried and broke their hearts trying to breastfeed and failed.
I would definitely not say, "If it hurts when you breastfeed, you're doing something wrong."
Because, news flash, when someone sucks on your tender nipples for like 8 hours a day - even if it's a tiny wee babby with a perfect latch- sometimes those nipples are going to blister, bleed, crack, and feel like exploding.
And I would never ever tell a sobbing new mom (as I was told) that her babies would get asthma, allergies, and diabetes if she stopped nursing.

In fact, I'd probably say cool stuff like, "DO WHATEVER YOU WANT. Your baby will not die if you give him formula - it's just going to be an expensive pain in the butt, but at least you can leave your baby with a sitter someday, unlike the rest of us poor saps. But if you want help and support, I got some of that for you, sister. Now calm your milky tits down."

Hey. Don't leave a comment on this post unless it's something awesome like, "You're hilarious!"
I don't really care for comments like, "Moms who are into breastfeeding are the worst!" because they're great, and I support breastfeeding and I especially support Moms.

Also, don't leave a comment like, "BREASTMILK WILL ACTUALLY SOLVE EAR INFECTIONS." because even if you leave me some facts and statistics, I'm not going to read them, and I definitely won't click on any links to anything. Unless it's a hilarious link. But not someone doing the ice bucket challenge, because stop. Just donate.

Also, if you want to read more of my posts about breastfeeding, which are all as awesome as this one, click {here.}

Some Breastfeeding Business:

Today I read a really good post on Facebook about how women should be allowed to breastfeed when and where they like without feeling uncomfortable.
First I was like, "Yeah! Lady-Mom Power!"
Then I saw the comments.
The comments consisted mainly of the following types:
1. Ladies saying, "I'm all for breastfeeding! Boobs everywhere! I will nurse my baby at your dinner table!"
2. Other ladies saying, I'm all for breastfeeding, too! There's no need to rush to bathroom for privacy, just use a blanket if you feel exposed!"
3. Occasional men saying, "Actually, Breastfeeding in public is gross and/or sexual."
4. The first ladies (now in all caps) saying, "YOU PRUDES DON'T GET THE POINT. IF YOU SUPPORT BREASTFEEDING TEMPERED WITH MODESTY, THEN YOU ACTUALLY DON'T SUPPORT BREASTFEEDING AND ARE A TERRIBLE PERSON WHO IS HELPING SUPPORT A MALE-DOMINATED SOCIETY BY YOUR PRUDISH SUBMISSION."
5. Then some people are like, "If you don't breastfeed your baby- you are an evil devil and your babies will die of asthma and allergies and obesity!"
6. And then I was like, "Holy WHAT?! Calm down my friends!"

I think we can all agree that those guys in the middle don't deserve to be a part of the conversation. Okay. We ALL agree, men are dumb and aren't the boss of breastfeeding. There's no need to fight about this. Let's move on.

Those ladies at the top: Sure. Breastfeed your baby at the dinner table. Moms aren't going to ask you to leave because we don't want you to have to breastfeed in the bathroom. We want you at the table, even if it means we have to see your nipples. Men might feel uncomfortable but we've already decided that their opinions aren't super relevant. A few young women at the table might feel uncomfortable (or catty, because women can be mean)- but we can also overrule their opinions, because their only experience with having breasts is that they make men feel sexy / hurt their backs / are displayed in a sexual manner everywhere ever. So it's good for them to see you using your boobs they way they were meant to be used.
Great. No one of consequence is attacking you now.

Second ladies: Good on you for understanding that- despite the fact that nipples aren't inherently sexual- they are still private parts of your body. There is nothing wrong with feeling shyness or exposure when breastfeeding in public. I hereby validate your feelings. If you are ashamed of the way that you are feeding your child, maybe there are some larger issues at hand- but if you just seek a little decency: good on you. We will continue to not judge, just as we did not judge those more flamboyant breastfeeders above.
If you seek to cover up your body out of polite concern for the feelings of those around you, thank you for your kindness. In our world we like to rant that everyone has a right to do and think and act the way that they please, regardless of how it makes people feel- we sometimes forget that others' feeling are as acute as our own.  But we all know the uncomfortable itch that one gets when their feelings are trod upon. It's okay to also think of the way people around you might react. You don't need to scurry away to a bathroom, but if your elderly grandfather is at the dinner table and doesn't want to see your nipples, why put him in the uncomfortable position of perhaps accidentally doing so?

Now back to you first ladies: Don't you agree that dictating how anyone believes or breastfeeds is wrong? For a stupid man or dumb girl to tell women to cover themselves up is rude, demeaning, and inconsiderate. But for you to tell her that she ought to UNcover is equally rude and oppressive. To try to force women to display their bodies in ways that make them uncomfortable is EXACTLY THE SAME as trying to force them to cover up in ways that make them feel uncomfortable.
To inform someone who is clearly breastfeeding that they do not support breastfeeding is totalitarian at worst and absurdly unobservant at it's best.
To announce that the only proper way to think and act is the way that you think and act is just plain mean.
And I think that we can all agree, there's no need to be mean to each other. We're all on the same page here. We all support breastfeeding.

Now, you last people, those of you who chant that breast is not only best, but also the only humanitarian way of feeding babies:
First of all, I'm really glad that you were able to nurse all your children such ease and success.
But for the sake of your empathy (and perhaps for the sake of the rest of us imperfect models of women who are sick of being harassed for our shortcomings), I sincerely hope that your next baby is a huge pain the ass to nurse. I hope that you are in constant pain, that your baby is sickly and underfed, that your breast milk doesn't produce, that your child cannot latch, that you blister, bleed, are swollen and clogged, that you have bouts of unresolved mastitis and eventually give up and have to buy enough formula for your twins- which by the way is going to be over $400 a month.

Okay. I don't REALLY wish all those things upon you.
Only some of them.
Only enough of those things to make you stop harassing other moms whenever the time arises, and in fact, often when the time hasn't arisen at all.

Let's all high-five to feeding babies how, where, and what we may.

Note: To read about my personal experience, just click the link to the right that says Breastfeeding Twins. Or click right {here}

On finishing breastfeeding:

This post is filled with too much information. BUT you asked for it, and I want to share with moms who undergo similar things.
Jack. Stop reading. Check back on the blog tomorrow, but you don't need to read about my breasts.

(Jack is my 14 year old brother.)

So.
About three weeks ago, now, the babies both decided that they were not going to breastfeed again.
Since I hate pumping, and had already been doing it for months, and since I don't have time to spend twenty minutes in my room pumping  even once a day, let alone several times, I decided to just stop.
The boys had already self-weaned to the point that they only breastfed two, maybe three times a day each.
But unfortunately for my body, that was still four to six times a day.
And people (like my mother-in-law, and a lactation consultant) told me that I should pump the same number of times the boys were eating and slowly, every few weeks, decrease one pumping session.
But that would take MONTHS.

So I just stopped.
And It was reaaaaally painful.
I would lie in bed and cry.
I would sit for hours in the tub, crying and trying to massage the giant, painful, lumps of milk out of my breasts.
On the rare occasion when I decided that I needed to pump, or else I would die - I would sit and cry because the suction hurt so badly.

I tried cabbage leaves, torn up and shoved in my bra, but all it was so lumpy and uncomfortable that I couldn't leave the house with them in.
And they made me smell terrible.
So after a few days, I stopped even trying them.

I started taking allergy medicine, since I needed it anyway and they say it dries up milk.
But it didn't really do anything either.
For two and a half weeks, I had giant swollen breasts. I couldn't sleep lying on my side. I couldn't wear a normal bra. And I literally squirted out jets of milk around the room every time I undressed.

It also wrecked havoc on my hormones. I yelled at my poor husband a lot for about a week.
I would bake things and then throw them on the ground, yelling that they were "cake shit" and I was a failure as a woman.
I couldn't bake a simple cake. I couldn't continue breastfeeding two babies. And I certainly didn't want to be intimate.

Acne also broke out all over my face, which only intensified my unhappiness and self-depreciation.

And then, one day, one of my breasts was almost empty. It had one tiny painful lump in it, but was otherwise a normal, small, wrinkly, stretchmarked boobie.
And a few days later, the other breast was too.
A few more days went by and they didn't even have lumps in them.  (About last Thursday).
So it took about three weeks, and now I'm okay again. (Although I actually have quite a bad cold, but that's not the same.)
And now I no longer nurse my babies. I miss it, because I liked to be close to them, one on one.
But it is freeing, and now we can leave them with a babysitter for more than an hour or two.
And my breasts don't hurt, nor am I constantly wearing a damp bra, which is kind of wonderful.

So... yeah. What were your experiences breastfeeding (or stopping breastfeeding)? Were they as bad as mine? or worse? Or not so bad?

Breastfeeding {Part 4} - The end of an era

Two years.
That's how long I wanted to breastfeed.
At the minimum, and only because they're twins and I accepted that twins are more difficult, I planned on nursing until the boys were one.

And now. Suddenly.
I think I'm done.

It breaks my heart a little.  I've come to really love breastfeeding the boys one on one, and being close to them. Holding them. Feeling them. Nourishing, loving, and bonding with them.

And then, one fine day (Fridayish) Micah decided that he hated to nurse and that if I tried to give him the boob instead of a bottle he would scream and scream and scream.
And little tears squeezed out of his eyes and ran down his face. And his cheeks turned reddish-purple. And his breath got ragged and short.
And he kept on screaming while I squirted him in the face with milk because my body was so eager to feed him.

This has happened every single time I've tried to nurse him since then, except very early in the morning (6am or so) when he will happily latch on and nurse for about three minutes before the screaming begins.

And then one fine day (Sunday, I believe) Grey decided that if Micah didn't have to nurse anymore, then neither did he.
He doesn't scream like Micah does, but he clamps his little mouth shut and turns his face away from me and refuses to eat until I bring him a nice, fat bottle.

So. Now they eat from bottles, I guess.
And since there was no gradual decrease in nursing, my breasts are like giant, sore cannon balls. Or overfull water balloons.
Or um... rock-hard, extremely-painful, highly milk-filled breasts.
And they hurt so bad that I cry when I pump and I can't sleep on my side and I got up at 5am (sans babies) to sit in bed with ice packs on my chest.
And when I hold my babies (which is very painful) they squirm around and are uncomfortable and I find myself saying things like "Boobs, you make a better rock than a pillow," which is kind of nonsensical but true.

And I feel weird.
Mostly that's it. I feel strange about not breastfeeding, more than I feel sad or relieved.
It just seems wrong. Out of place. I should be breastfeeding, right? What the heck are these ugly, stretch-marked, sore, explosive things for if I'm not even breastfeeding my children?

Yesterday a friend said "I nursed my baby until she was a year and a half and still felt guilty quitting."
So how do I get over the guilt, the disappointment, and the strangeness of not nursing?
It just came upon me so suddenly, I didn't have time to prepare to stop.
And my body didn't prepare for this either, so if you have any tips for decreasing one's milk supply I'd greatly appreciate it.

Anyway. 
I breastfed successfully and almost even exclusively until the boys were 6 months old.
Which, since I have twins, is like a year's worth of breastfeeding.
Right?


Right?

Distracted

I'm feeling really frustrated with the world lately.
It is making my job very difficult by being so darn interesting, colorful, noisy and fun.
Translation? My babies don't want to spend their time doing mundane things like sleeping and eating when they could be doing something (anything) else.

My babies cry because they are hungry, so I sit down to nurse them. They latch on for all of ... three minutes? Maybe? Then they start rolling, punching, laughing, talking, kicking, straining their necks forward to sit up.
Yesterday after Micah ate for about four minutes then he rolled away from me to try to look at his daddy, but I was still (literally) squirting out milk.
I aimed a stream of milk at his face, trying to get his attention and call him back to the task at hand. Instead, he opened his mouth, stuck out his tongue, and had me squirt his dinner into his mouth.
Stinker.
I would normally be like "Fine. Don't eat. You'll eat when you're hungry. That will teach you."
Except that they have decided that the best time to take in all the calories they're missing in the day is during the night. So they get up to eat at 1am. 4am. 6am.
And when it's perfectly dark, quiet, and I'm about exploding with excess milk they can eat without too much distraction.
The other problem is that they take a bottle SO much better than the breast lately, because they can turn their heads to and fro and look around and play a bit while they're eating a bottle, which they can't do at the breast.
So more and more times a day I find myself fixing them bottles, because I don't want them to starve!
The problem with a bottle, though?
They've decided that they want to hold their bottles themselves, thank you very much, and Grey is currently obsessed with rolling from his back to his stomach.
So he holds his bottle, and then flips on to his stomach and then lies there staring at his bottle. (You can just see the little cogs turning, "I want to eat you. But I also want to be on my stomach. How do I get you into my belly?"
He tries. He really, really tries.
But you just can't eat a bottle if you're lying face down on the floor.
But God forbid I flip him over, or try to hold his bottle for him.
*Huff*

I don't know what to do.
My friend Brittany suggested giving them watered down bottles at night, so they think they're eating and they fall back to sleep, but when they wake in the morning they're FAMISHED and eat a ton and get all their calories during the day.
But whenever I get up and go about actually making bottles during the night they fall asleep before they've drunk very much, and then I'm annoyed because I've wasted formula (and dang! that stuff is PRICEY).
Plus then I have to pump, because my milk schedule is all wonky... and it ends up being so much easier to just nurse them...

Bah, world. Why so awesome? You are distracting my children from important appointments with their dinner.

Breastfeeding {Part 3} -the addition of formula

We've started giving the boys formula.
Not all the time, they still mostly breastfeed, but every night before bed they get a bottle of about half of my expressed breast milk and half formula.

All the way back when I was pregnant women started saying to me, "Don't feel guilty if you can't breastfeed all the time. Don't feel bad if sometimes you have to give them formula."
But if you want to breastfeed exclusively then there's nothing anyone can say to keep you from feeling guilty.

The first time the boys got formula was in Montana when I stayed with my parents. The boys were on a weird schedule for about two days where they wanted to eat every 45 minutes.  I wasn't eating, sleeping, or producing milk because my body was so stressed by their need to eat.
They would cry and I would cry and ask, "What do you want?! What more can I do?"
My mom, trying to be helpful, said "They're just hungry, and you can't make milk because you haven't slept. Maybe just once you give them formula and go to sleep and then feed them again in a few hours."
And I flipped out.
Give my babies formula? Was she joking?
When Travis called to say goodnight I yelled at him too. "My mom wants me to give the boys bottles!"
And he said, "Well... maybe you should. Just this once."

At which point in time I became not only hysterical, but also nonsensical.
"Jill started giving her baby a bottle just every once and a while and now she doesn't even breastfeed at all!" I sobbed.

Then I would sob louder and say, "God promised me that I could breastfeed, and he doesn't go back on his promises, so if I'm not making enough milk it's because I don't have enough faith!"

Then I would cry, "If I give them formula then just anyone off the street could feed them. All they need from me is milk! If I can't even give them milk then they don't need me anymore!"

And I would collapse into even greater hysterics sobbing because I felt like a serious failure. I kept repeating "I can't even feed my own children, what kind of a mother am I?"

And it's been like a month and I haven't wanted to admit that I'm giving them bottles, because it still feels a bit like failure.
But in the end, the boys were starving and I had nothing to give them, so we bought some Similac and they scarfed it down in mere minutes and then conked out to sleep for like 6 hours.
I slept, produced enough milk that I even had to pump, and felt all around better. (Although I was a bit disappointed that they accepted the formula so eagerly.)

Then on the ride home from Mt, we lost the nipple shields that I use when nursing and there was nowhere around to buy them.  Without their shields the boys couldn't latch or eat, so we gave them formula again.
(I'm actually really grateful I went through my original meltdown with my parents, because I'm pretty sure I would have flipped out then too, except that I was with my father-in-law on a road trip... which would have been worse.)

Giving the boys formula was incredibly difficult, but it's actually been super helpful in the long run for several reasons:
1. I have been able to build up a supply of stored milk again, and I was completely out and couldn't give the boys bottles EVER, even of my own milk.
2. I think it helps the boys sleep better because formula digests more slowly than breastmilk so they stay full longer.
3. I also think it helps the boys sleep longer because they have a bit more of a routine at night. They always get a bottle before bed, but the breast at every other feeding.
4. I can leave. I don't usually WANT to leave, but it's nice to be able to say "I am going to run to the store, if the boys wake up and are hungry, give them bottles."
5. Travis and I were able to go on a date, because we knew that we had bottles for the babysitters to give the boys, which was wonderful.
6. We were able to go to church, which we hadn't done yet, because when the boys wake and are hungry they need food ASAP, and it's pretty much impossible for me to feed both the boys in the church bathroom.
7. It's been a relief for my body. Even though I pump after we bottle feed the boys, so I'm still producing milk at that time and whatever, it's nice that for a few short hours a day there isn't a baby hanging off of either side of me.

And even though it's cheaper, and I'm sure it's exactly the same, I still can't bring myself to buy powdered formula. We've been forking out the big bucks for the bottles of liquid formula, because it seems a bit less cruel to feed them something that looks like my milk.
As opposed to giving them something that I know is water mixed with dusty milk.
Anyway. I just thought I'd let you know that I am giving my boys formula.

I've been feeling guilty for not writing it.
Like I've been misleading my readers by allowing them to think I exclusively breastfeed.
There's a lot of guilt associated with breastfeeding, isn't there?
I hope that you don't feel guilty if you can't breastfeed, but - as I know all too well- it's a realization every woman needs to come to herself. So good luck.
And wish me luck as well.

Nursing 1, Nursing 2

So until this week I had a rule: One baby eats, they both eat.
That means that if one baby wakes up and cries for food, I wake the other boy up and make him cry for his food (and dance for his food).

This worked out pretty well until now, since the boys are usually only about a half-hour apart, an hour at the most.
Until suddenly the babies started having a growth spurt or something.
They want to eat every 2 hours.
And when I say that I mean 2 hours from beginning to beginning.
So at 10am and again at Noon.
The main problem here is that it takes at least an hour to feed them when I feed them both.
Last night was hellish.

They wanted to eat every 2.5 hours, but they wouldn't burp. So they would eat and then stop and we'd have to spend 35 minutes burping them. Then they'd eat again and we'd spend another 20 minutes burping them.
Every feeding took an hour and a half.
So I decided to only feed the baby who is crying. If the other baby starts crying half-way through the feeding he can either be pacified for 15 minutes or get a bottle. If they're both crying then I'll feed them together.
It actually ends up taking about the same amount of time to feed them separately.

Grr, they were doing so good! They were eating fast, burping well, sleeping for four hours at a time...
These babies....
Twin moms all say that at about three months it gets way easier to feed them.
One more month! We can make it!
I am highly determined.

Give us a vote? We're holding steady at number 40, so we've got to move up 15 places to be on the front page...

Breastfeeding {Part 2} -how we do it

A Saturday post!
Because I want to talk more about myself than just the 5-day week allowed.
I wanted to talk specifics about breastfeeding, and I'm going to use words like nipple, milk and boobs - so Dad, Grandpa, etc: beware:

First, my tool kit:
I use Medela nipple shields when I breastfeed.

I saw someone else using them when I was pregnant and thought "Your breasts aren't as good as mine, because I don't need that plastic crap. I will breastfeed and be awesome at it."
Because yep. I'm seriously that stuck up and bratty. I'm really embarrassed that I thought that, but I will admit it because these little shields got my babies home.
Nipple shields are used for a variety of reasons, flat or inverse nipples, babies with a bad latch, to help protect nipples that are sore or cracked (or even blistered!).
We used them because 1. our boys were so tiny that their mouths were too small to latch and the shield gave my nipple an easier shape and 2. the boys had to work so hard eating that breastfeeding burned more calories than it provided and the shield made the milk easier to pull out - more like a bottle nipple.
Now we still use them because I've been lazy about weaning the boys off them, and they're used to using them - so I just let them.  The only time it's been a problem is when we got the boys circumcised Grey was having a complete meltdown and I wanted to calm him by putting him at the breast, but I didn't have my shield and he was so frustrated that he couldn't latch and then just got more frustrated and couldn't latch more.
It was pretty much horrible.
But now I make sure I always have them when we leave the house.

I also have three boppys, including the {giant twin boppy}, which is more like a table than a pillow.
It is beyond awesome. I tandem breastfeed (aka breastfeed both babies at once) for every nighttime feeding and the occasional daytime feeding and I could not do it without the twin boppy.
When I have tried to tandem feed them with a regular boppy or just using pillows they both end up soaked and angry, and hungry after an hour of "trying to figure it out."
I just always football hold both of them. The only problem is, it's really hard for me to tandem feed by myself, which is why I do it at night (because Travis can help me).
I can get both babies up and nursing by sitting on the bed with them in front of me or on either side, and then I lift them on to each side one at a time.
Then I focus on latching whichever baby is angrier first, and then the other and we're off! The difficulty arises because the nipple shields work a bit like a bottle and the boys end up getting a LOT of air, and need to burp two or three times each, and I just can't figure out how to burp them by myself yet.
Since both my boobs are exposed (and have shields attached) I have a hard time propping the baby up over my shoulder, and no matter what  I do, the baby who's still trying to eat always seems to get my elbow in his face.
Travis prefers for me to tandem at night too, since he can mostly keep sleeping through feedings, and just has to sit up and burp a boy every once and a while, but if they were getting bottles I'd make him work more.
When I'm home alone I bottle feed one baby and breastfeed the other, and Travis took my picture doing that yesterday so I could show you:


So I prop one baby up next to me on the couch or bed inside the boppy and bottle feed him while I breastfeed the other boy.  While I was in the NICU the lactation consultant recommended that instead of tandem feeding both and then bottle feeding both and then tandem feeding both then bottle feeding both (etc) I should let them each get some one on one breastfeeding time. It's helped them get better at eating - because I can pay more attention to helping them - and honestly it's my favorite time (when Travis or someone else gives the other boys his bottle) and I can just sit and focus all of my love on the tiny boy in front of me and nothing else. It's our number one chance to get mama-baby time and I love it.

And when we bottlefeed we use the Breastflow Bottles and we love them. They actually work more like a breast than a bottle, so it's harder for the babies to suck the milk out and they have to work their jaws and tongues the same way as if they're at the breast, and it takes a few seconds of sucking before they get anything -which is also like the breast.

I know a lot of babies get used to the easy, instant gratification of the bottle because when they're hungry they get fed immediately and the milk literally just drips out, but because these bottles are such a pain the boys still prefer the breast to the bottle, which is actually really comforting. It helps me feel more like a mom and less like a milk cow to know that they want me and not just the nourishment I can provide them.

I know that a lot of women have difficulty breastfeeding twins, and have been super blessed that things have gone so smoothly for us. I've even started to realize that as hard as being in the NICU for 18 days was, I probably wouldn't have gotten so far breastfeeding if I wasn't there for every feeding, surrounded by nurses and lactation consultants cheering me on and helping me.

So the NICU was a blessing in disguise.
Anyway. That's how we do things in the Pitcher casa.
Now go out and enjoy your Saturday instead of sitting around on your computer!

Breastfeeding {Part 1} -what we do

Today my babies are 7 weeks old.
Several people have asked me about my experience with breastfeeding twins, and I feel the need to state that again: My babies are only 7 weeks old.
So I'm not exactly an expert.
I'm still just learning the ropes myself.

The boys eat 7 or 8 times in a 24 hour period, depending on whether they manage to wait 3 or 4 hours between each feeding.
They get bottles for half of those feedings, since they were so small when they were born that the doctors were giving them fortified breastmilk to help them gain weight.
They don't really need the fortified milk anymore, but because it has extra calories it would be hard for their systems to suddenly take the fortified breastmilk away.
And we don't mind, since the fatter these babies get the better.
I shared my schedule a few posts back when I complained about our lack of sleep (see that {here}), and that's pretty consistent.
My advice to women who want to breastfeed twins?
Pump. Pump like the wind.

About 10 hours after my sons were born (because before that I was pretty out of it - you can read the birth story {here}) I started pumping.  The hospital had a nice electric 2,500 dollar pump for me to use, and I pumped every three hours for 20 minutes.
No matter what.
And it was really, really hard.
I doesn't seem like it should be, since all I had to do was partially wake up and then just sit in bed for 20 minutes, and then go back to sleep.
For the first day I didn't really get anything. I would pump for 20 minutes and there would be three or four drops of milk in the bottle. But by the second morning I was getting maybe a teaspoon of milk each time.
I didn't have my babies with me, so I would watch footage that Travis had filmed of them crying and squirming right after being born, in the hopes that hearing their cries would increase my milk.
After the second day I was allowed to hold the babies while I pumped, and that helped  increase my milk too, since my body hadn't delivered the babies or really seen them - so maybe it didn't know I had twins?
Three days after they were born the nurses let me try to nurse for the first time, and just having them actually at the breast about tripled my milk. (You can read about that {here}).
Even after the boys could breastfeed all the time I was told to keep pumping after they had eaten to clean out my breasts, and thus trigger them to make even more milk the next time.
Now that I breastfeed for at least half their feedings (and realistically, more - since the boys don't like taking bottles lately... picky eaters.) I don't always pump afterwards.
My body has learned the difference between babies and the pump, and sometimes when I pump I only produce like 3 measly ounces (sometimes I produce like 8 ounces - if there's a crying baby in the vicinity) but when I breastfeed the boys always get enough milk, and even if they breastfeed for an hour and then want to eat a half hour later my breasts fill up again with aplenty o'milk.
I know that my breasts are making more than 3 ounces when I breastfeed too, since when the boys take a bottle they'll eat between 3 and 5 ounces each before they're full, and if they both eat the occasional 5 at the breast that's 10 ounces in one go!
But they rarely act hungry for at least three hours after they've breastfed, so they're getting plenty of food.
My only problem is, I decided that if they both breastfeed then I don't need to pump afterwards... so our freezer's milk supply has grown really low. (Since they're eating more than three times what I'm pumping at each feeding sometimes...)

But my goal is to have them exclusively breastfed within the month. No bottles unless I need to for convenience. Yesterday they really only each had two bottles, instead of the required four.

And this was a long post about my experience with beginning breastfeeding, but it's not over yet.
Because now I'm going to write a long post about how exactly we do things round here.
Maybe it will be posted later today.
Maybe it will be posted tomorrow.

I'll try to keep you guessing.

And a vote for the boobs that just keep on making milk? You have to admit that it's pretty impressive that I'm making 80 oz of milk some days . Admit it.
Then vote.

Sleep Thieves

I have a partially finished post about breast feeding in the files, but I am too tired to actually finish it right now, and would rather write a grumpy post about my lack of sleep.
Here's why: we haven't slept in three days around here.

People think it's funny to say "sleep when your baby sleeps."
I know they're trying to be funny, because it must be a joke. Babies don't sleep.
"Sleep like a baby" must mean "snooze in and out of wakefulness and cry and whimper most of the time and thrash around unless you have a pacifier in your mouth, but be unable to keep a pacifier in your mouth unless one of your parents crouches over your bed and holds it there for an hour or two."

This is the schedule in our home:
6:30-7:30am Breastfeed twins. (It takes an hour to feed them because they've become difficult burpers. So I nurse for 15 minutes, burp for 15 minutes, nurse for fifteen, burp for fifteen.... you get it?)

7:30 - 9:30am Sleep fitfully while my children cry. (Usually by this time I'm so dead tired from being up all night, that I sleep through them crying. They start to cry in earnest at 9:30 though, when they're hungry again, and that usually gets me up)

9:30-11:00am Breastfeed Grey, Bottlefeed Micah. By this time I am home alone, so it takes me a lot longer to do this by myself.

11:00 -11:30am Pump, store milk, wash pump etc. (Since I only breastfed Grey this time, I have to pump so I am still making enough milk for both babies)

11:30 -12:30pm Try to soothe my boys to sleep. Fail. Try to carry them both into the kitchen to find some food for the day. Maybe get some leftovers into the microwave - but forget about them when one of the babies starts really crying. Grey falls asleep, I celebrate. I lie Micah down to also try to sleep. Micah cries until Grey wakes up, but it's time to feed them anyway.

12:30-2:00pm Bottlefeed Micah, Breastfeed Grey. Travis gets home sometime in here, which is wonderful, he takes Grey and feeds him. 

2:00-2:30pm Pump, store milk, wash pump etc

2:30-3:30pm Try to soothe my children to sleep while Travis tries to find me something to eat so I don't waste away (I actually weigh less than I have since my Freshman year of college).  Babies refuse to sleep. Micah dozes in and out of wakefulness, but will jerk himself awake right as I think it's safe to sneak out of the room. Grey will not sleep.

3:30 -4:30pm Bottlefeed Grey and Micah. Sometimes someone will offer to come over and do this feeding for us. So Travis can sleep for two hours and I can pump and sleep for an hour and half.  With the exception of our mothers and sisters, pretty much everyone is terrible at this. One of two things ensues:

Scenario one: I lie in bed listening to my babies cry for 40 minutes, and finally come out to see someone incapable of holding, feeding, burping, or changing a newborn. I take the babies back and do it myself.

I didn't sleep and now I also feel responsible for entertaining whoever is on my couch.

Scenario two: I come out and find one of the babies has eaten and the other baby is asleep. The bottle-feeder tells me with a grin that "the baby wasn't hungry." I burp and change the baby and then feed him because he WAS hungry - he just had a belly full of air and pants full of poop.

Now my children are on drastically different schedules and I have to spend the rest of the day getting them back to the same eating schedule. 

4:30- 6:30pm Travis and I go on a walk, or run errands, since the babies sleep well in their carseats and it's not like they're going to sleep here anyway. We also make dinner of some sort. One of us may lie down for 40 minutes while the other tries to get the babies to sleep.

6:30 - 7:30pm Bottlefeed babies while trying to eat dinner.

7:30- 8:00pm I pump while Travis bathes the boys. 

8:00-10:00pm We try to get the babies to sleep. We lie them down, and leave the room. We return to the room every five minutes to calm our screaming babies back to a quiet state. We leave the room. We return after 5 minutes to calm our screaming babies back to a quiet state... repeat forever.

10:00-11:00pm Babies sleep. Travis works and eats. I blog and eat.

11:00pm-12:00am Breastfeed Babies.

12:00-2:00am Try to get the babies to stop crying and just go to sleep.

2:00-3:00am Breastfeed Babies.

3:00 - 4:00am Try to get babies to sleep. Swear. Cry a bit.

4:00- 6:30am Give up and let the babies sleep on our chests, because even fitful, shallow sleep is better than no sleep.

6:30am Begin again.

Pretty much nightime is exactly like daytime except that we leave the lights off and aren't allowed to talk or sing or watch tv while I breastfeed so as to not stimulate and awake our boys.

Yeah right.
We counted it up, and Travis and I have each gotten about 3 hours of sleep in the last 24 hours.
And about 4 in the 24 hours before that.
And 3 in the 24 before that...

I need my mom to come back.

Are you feeling my pity party? Give me a vote to help pacify me.

Two weeks old

I already posted, and you should watch that video, since it's the cutest thing I've ever seen.
BUT, here's a little update:

The babies are now allowed to breast feed anytime that they act hungry, which is about 6 times a day for Grey and 4 or 5 times a day for Micah.
A bit over half the time that they breastfeed they get their minimum amount of milk and don't need to have any pumped into their bellies, but sometimes they get too tired out to eat the rest of their food.

Since I'm driving back and forth to the hospital every hour and a half from 7am to 11pm (sometimes later) we don't usually go in to the hospital at 1am or 4am, but if the boys wake up and act hungry then the nurses give them a bottle of pumped milk.

Since they have to eat it themselves, that still counts as a "nipple feeding."
Once the boys get all their food without tubes, we get to take them home.
And they're getting pretty close.

With NICU babies, when it looks like they're ready to leave the hospital the mom "boards in." Which means that I come back to the hospital for 48hours with the baby in my room, and they monitor how well they eat without any tubes.
Since Grey is a few days ahead of Micah (as far as how much he usually eats in a day), I may board in with him for two days, and then board in with Micah for a few days (but I'd really have them both for all four days).

The doctor said it's reasonable to plan on boarding in early next week.
So the boys should definitely be home by this time next week.

Keep your fingers crossed for us.

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Happy Birthday to my babies!

my babies are a week old!
A week!



And they've been doing so well.
Here's a little update:
Both boys lost weight when they were born (all babies do, not just preemies) but as of yesterday they have both surpassed their birth weights and are gaining well!
Both boys had jaundice, which has now peaked and is falling, so they're out from under the lights.
And until yesterday both boys were subsisting on a combo of IV Fluids and breast milk (given through nose tubes), but now they've been completely weaned off of the IV and all their fluids are provided by me!
(Although they still can't drink super well.)

And, I saved the best for last, but because the boys have such teeny mouths, aren't very strong or alert, and haven't shown any hunger cues I haven't been allowed to really breast feed. Once a shift (so once every 12 hours) I was allowed to pump and then let the boys take turn trying to suck, that way they could practice breast feeding but wouldn't really get any milk.
BUT, because the boys have been doing so well the doctor ordered that I can breast feed!
Grey has been doing a little less well, so he only gets to try once a shift, if he's awake and alert. But Micah gets to try every time he's awake and alert. (Sometimes we come and they just sleep through the visit.)
 So the nurses weighs the boys and then I feed them, and they weigh them again to see how much they ate.
Then they adjust the amount they are getting through the tube for the hour.
Grey is really good at sucking, and will suck for five minutes and then... spit out all the milk. No real swallowing going on.
Micah is really good at swallowing what he sucks, but will suck for a minute and then drowse for five, and then suck for a minute and then drowse...
As soon as they can go 48 hours without needing to be tube-fed, they will get to come home.
Keep your fingers crossed that they learn to drink quickly! My goal is to have them home by 38 weeks (remember how I should still be pregnant? Yikes!)




Oh, and I got to give them baths! But no pictures.
I will give them baths again on Saturday, and I will try to be better about photographing the event.
Let me just say, it involved a lot of both boys peeing on their mother.
And a bit of Micah peeing across in the room and into his bassinet and on to his brother's feet.
And then a bit of rewashing Grey.

Are they the best babies, or what? (And stop accusing me of being biased. They are the best!)
I'm holding Micah in all these pictures, and that's Grey yawning in the last one.

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Schedule

My babies eat on a three hour schedule.

They're too little to show any really signs of hunger, and the amount that they eat has been mathematically calculated to each of their sizes to help them gain weight, and expand their bellies quickly so that they can subsist on breast milk alone. 

Right now they're being weaned off the IV, and every little bit more of my milk that they get is a little less IV Fluid they need. 

In fact, hopefully by tomorrow they'll be off their IVs. Whoo-hoo!

But back to the schedule:

The babies eat at 1:00am 4:00am, 7:00am, 10:00am, 1:00pm, 4:00pm, 7:00pm, and 10:00pm.

I go to every daytime feeding (7:00am-10:00pm), and usually take at least two naps in that time for about an hour and a half each.

Then I stay home and pump for the 1:00am and 4:00am feedings. 

Today I was napping before the 1:00pm feeding, and woke a little late. I rushed in at 15after, and apologized to Travis (who was meeting me there straight from work).

"I fell asleep and woke up a bit late," I apologized.

And then a nurse lectured me extensively about how I need my sleep or I won't have any more breast milk, and the babies don't even know whether or not I'm there.

And apparently the nurses then held a secret conference about how I am running on empty (which I'm not. Remember how I was late because I was sleeping? I get sleep. And I miss two feedings every night, which is so hard for me.)

Because then two separate nurses tried to get the charge nurse to restrict how often I can come in, based, I assume, on the assumption that if I'm not at the hospital then I will be home in bed.

And not on the assumption that if I'm not in the hospital then I will be prowling the hospital grounds listening for my babies' cries.

And we were at the 1:00 feeding today late, because the lactation consultant was finally there (she's been sick) and she came for an hour to teach me tricks of the trade. So it was 3:00 when we left, and I said "Well, maybe I'll just stay until 4:00, so no one has to drive me back in forty minutes."

And the nurse said, "Maybe you should just stay home and get some rest and come back at 7:00."

And so I did.

Because I don't want the nurses to go behind my back and get me kicked out of the NICU.

But I'd already taken two naps.

And I slept really well last night.

So I wasn't tired. So I just sat at home feeling anxious. And wishing I was there. 

And the babies know whether or not I'm there. 

They can smell me, or hear me or something. And they know when I'm there, but I'm not holding them.

They'll start fussing and crying and turning towards me.

Today Grey started fussing, and I reached in and laid my hand on his chest, but he started crying harder, arching his back and ripping at his cords.

"Can I take him?" I asked. The nurse nodded (they rarely let me hold them lately, since they've been under the lights for jaundice.)

I had barely lifted Grey from the bassinet before he was quiet. I held him against my chest and he snuggled in and immediately fell back to sleep.

And I've seen the nurses try to snuggle them when I'm there.

They're not interested in being snuggled by women who aren't their mama. Especially if I'm there.

So today I missed a feeding. But never again.

Unless I need to. 

And can I just say, every other new mom in the world gets to spend all day and all night feeding her baby and not sleeping.

With two babies, I should have twice the right to not sleep if I so choose.

So leave me alone, you bossy nurses.

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