Teaching Kids to Clean [Part Two: Actual Tips]

Part one, posted last week, is all about changing YOUR mindset to one that expects a helpful child and accepts your child's imperfect ability to clean things. (You can read that HERE)

Ready for Part Two?
(Ahem...)

Six tips for turning your child into a tiny servant:
(Many of these tips were taken from the book House of Order, which I didn't actually find useful except this section.)

1. For every year of their age, your child should have one daily job. A two-year old should have two jobs, a five year old should have five jobs, etc.
These jobs don't have to be something big, not even something that you think of as "a job" -- just something they're in charge of doing themselves to help them be capable and independent.
For example, my four year olds four jobs are these:
1. Get dressed.
2. Make your bed.
3. Brush your teeth.
4. Comb your hair.
(As evidenced by their crazy hair, they don't always remember every job. It is helpful to post a picture-chart with their daily jobs somewhere they'll see often, like on their bedroom door.)

2. Assign additional household jobs and explain that they are "kid jobs" that Moms aren't even supposed to do! Grey and Micah have a handful of "household jobs" that they participate in as needed. (Starting the laundry, loading/unloading the dishwasher, mopping the kitchen floor, folding towels/washcloths, and cleaning the bathroom.) They also have to clean up after themselves by wiping up spills, putting away shoes, cleaning up toys, etc. August is 18 months and even he puts his shoes away and wipes up his own spills. Your three year old can definitely do it and your ten year old is super capable.
Sometimes (often) this is a fight, but I try to give them the "Everyone in this family works together" talk, and the "Your dad goes to work and that's HIS job, but MY job is to teach you how to take care of yourself and YOUR job is to help our family and take care of your mom" speech.
Both of those speeches are semi-effective.

3. Train your child. I read once that you should show a young child how to do something five times- narrating what you're doing and why every time you teach them. Then you should help your child do something five times (continue with the narrating), until you feel satisfied that they can do it themselves. Then you supervise them doing it five times. So you basically have to do something fifteen times with your kids before they'll be able to do it themselves.
So, with the bathroom cleaning example- I have to clean the bathroom with my kids thirty times before I'm done with bathrooms forever. It is a huge pain to do this, and is literally A YEAR of bathroom training. But then, in one year when I don't have to clean my bathroom ever again, it's worth it. Right?

4. Narrate everything. This goes along with the above, but I constantly explain everything I'm doing.
"When I make a sandwich, I use two pieces of bread that are next to each other in the bag, because then they're the same size. I do the peanut butter first on this piece. Want to help me spread the peanut butter all the way to the edges? Good job, but keep your knife flatter. Yes, just like that!"
And you guys. I do it always. It's second nature to me because I love talking so much. But my kids learn the right way to do things and WHY it's right.

5. Make them charts with stickers. Kids LOVE stickers! (or whatever kind of chart. But charts are good.)
We have had lots of different charts. The most effective ones for the boys are charts where they earn a certain number of stickers or checks and then get a prize, like picking out our family movie or getting a snow cone or a date with dad. Sometimes I say, "Wow! You only have three more jobs left until you get a prize! Let's think of two jobs you could do right now while you're waiting for lunch to be done!" and my kids are like "YES! I WILL WASH THE DISHES AND MOP THE FLOOR."
And I am like, "Perfect, when you mop you can use all the water that you dumped on to the floor accidentally during dishes."

6.  Praise them like bananas. 
And not just, "Wow! You're doing a great job wiping that mirror!" (lie)
But lay it on SUPER thick, "I'm so grateful that you are so helpful to me, it makes me so happy to have a clean home and you're giving that to me."
"Its so wonderful that you can help me so much now that you're bigger, it's hard to clean the house alone, but now we are a team!"
My kids EAT THAT UP. They love knowing that I need them. They aren't just cleaning up because I'm mean and forcing them to clean, they are cleaning up because they are helpful and important members of the family.
Oh, and every time that you correct, throw in a compliment. "Good job wiping the sink, I see you're wiping up ALL the bubbles, but make sure you remember to actually wipe up the hair and toothpaste too! Just like that! Perfect! You're SO GREAT at cleaning sinks!"
Overkill? Yes. But when they say, "I'll clean the bathroom, Mom. I'm the best at it," you will realize that I am a genius and you're welcome.

So, my house IS messy, but I'm training up my kids, and that's a messy business.

And here is a conversation from last week:

Grey: Mom, do you like cleaning up and working?
Me: I don't. But I like having a clean house, that's why it's so nice that you guys are getting bigger and can help me more.
Micah: But someday, we will move out. Then we will have our own house.
Me: And your house will be so clean!
Micah: Probably not, because we will have our own kids too, and kids are messy!


Yes. Yes they are.

Teaching Kids to Clean [Part One: Changing Your Mindset]

Holy Moly! I wrote this post and it was so long. Travis was reading over my shoulder and said, "What is that giant monster novel you're writing?"
So I turned this into a two-part post. First part, change your mindset. Second part, get your kid working.

Now, this seems like a silly post for me to be writing because
1. My house is always quite messy.
2. My kids are often whiney and useless.
3. My kids are also still little, so I don't know how this method of mine will work when they are older.

BUT, a few different people on Instagram have asked me about making my kids into tiny slaves and I wanted to share what I've gone through to make them such.

So, here are some tips for YOU, anal mom. (Is that an offensive thing to call someone?)

- Stop assuming your kids can't do things. Remember when farmers had a dozen kids to help around the farm? If kids couldn't help until they were 17, that would be a terrible investment. Your kids are capable. Kids all over the entire world do awesome stuff (like babysit and stoke fires and wield knives) at four years old. If you aren't quite ready for that, start slightly smaller.

- Stop being particular about cleanliness. Yup. That's real. If your kids help you clean the bathroom, it won't be as sparkling as it would be if just YOU cleaned it. And it will take twice as long and be more work for you. But it's probably worth it.
Because I have a goal to never do dishes again or clean my bathroom after I turn thirty. And that goal is surprisingly close to fruition, because my four year olds already do those things most of the time. By the time they're 8, they will always do it.

- Start making your child wait for things. One of my favorite ways to teach a child to help is by making them wait. They say, "I want a sandwich." You say: "I can get you a sandwich in five minutes. If you can't wait that long, you'll need to make it yourself."
(They almost always make it themselves.)
If your child says, "I want to go to the park," YOU say, "I need to finish three jobs, sweeping the kitchen, unloading the dishwasher, and wiping off the counters. Which job would you like to do? That can help us get going faster."
(They will almost always choose a job to do.)

- Stop entertaining your child. This is a bizarre parenting phenomenon that I have never understood. And luckily, I have twins, so I never had to understand it. They play together. But I do not play with my kids.
Okay, sometimes I play with them. But that's rare. I don't dress up. I don't play with action figures. I don't teach them to build with Legos. When we are home I give them toys or I send them outside and then Mama has crap to do, thanksverymuch. Sometimes I'm reading, sometimes I'm sewing, sometimes I'm baking a cake or cleaning my toilet.
And when my child wanders into the room, feeling bored or wondering what I'm doing- I don't stop what I'm doing. I just start teaching. I read out loud, I hand them a measuring cup, toilet brush, or a pair of scissors. If they want to be entertained or play with me, they do what I do. Not the other way around.



- Never say no to a child that wants to help. Never ever. Ever. Ever. 
If your two year old wants to put the soap in the washing machine, and twist the dial and push the button- you let them. Because when they are three, they will strip off their own sheets and put them into the washing machine and correctly start it. And you will do a joyful jig. (The first time Grey did this, I might have cried.) If your three year old wants to help chop veggies, you stand behind them and help them wield a knife. If your four year old wants to clean the toilet, you hand them a toilet brush and a bottle of non-toxic cleaner.

This is surprisingly hard, because your imagination can do a lot of crazy things and your brain reminds you that if YOU clean the bathroom, there will not be toilet water accidentally flung against the walls. If you chop the vegetables- no fingers will end up in your dinner. And if you start the laundry, it will take half the time.
So here is my mantra, "What's the worst that can happen? What's the best that can happen? and how likely is each?"

If your son wants to clean the bathroom, the worst that can happen is that he gets poop on his hands and sticks it in his mouth, right? The best that can happen is: YOU DON'T HAVE TO CLEAN YOUR BATHROOM. AND HE LOVES IT. AND HE WANTS TO DO IT EVERYDAY.
It's more likely that something in the middle happens. And if you WATCH him, he probably won't stick his hand in his mouth with poop on it.
I'm not suggesting that you hand him his toilet brush and then leave the bathroom. We can all agree, that isn't gonna work.
So your worst case scenario isn't even real, but the best case scenario could still happen.
Worth it. 

- Lastly, clean it again when they leave. If you can't handle the fact that your "clean" dishes still have food on them- praise and thank your kids, and then wait until they're out of sight- and rewash them. Don't let your child see you. Just do it secretly. (Note: DON'T do this if they are older kids. Make them do it properly. Younger kids shouldn't be harassed to perform perfectly however, they just need to be encouraged to continue helping.)

That's it, Moms. Change your mindset to one that expects your kids to clean. And they probably might.

(I'm obviously not willing to make you any guarantees.)

Being anything.

When I was a child, I knew that I wanted to be a mom. That was the end goal.
But I also knew that I would go to college, and probably get a job someday, too.

As far as I could tell, there only a few types of jobs. They were:

People who worked in stores (jobs for teenagers.)

People who worked in offices (unhappy.)

People who built things, like cars or houses.

Farmers.

Doctors and nurses.

And then, the creative types.
Creative jobs were the following:

Artist: Painter or drawer.

Musician: Classical musician or Rockstars only.

Writer: Writes poems and fiction novels.

Actors: In movies if you were good, in plays if you were only okay.

And teachers. Teachers fall somewhere in between the two categories, I guess.

Obviously, I knew that the only way to be happy was to be a creative type. I can't draw, even though I love drawing and tried to be an artist for years. I am HIGHLY incapable as a musician, despite my love of music. I tried to be an actor forever, (remember?) I even filmed several movies, in which I was the main character. No, not as a child. As a freaking teenager. I was WAAAY too old for that.
So I had to be a writer. And probably a teacher.

I studied English in college. After I'd been there for a while, I met people who studied things like "Graphic Design," "Photography," and "Culinary Arts."
Um, those aren't jobs. They're hobbies.
I took classes like "French and Italian Cinema." I got graded on watching foreign films! It blew my mind.

But it was too late for me. I was afraid to start my collegiate career over, and then I got pregnant, and had no reason to ever return to school. (Don't judge me. I hated school. Why would I go back, once I had a full-time job taking care of babies?)

But I didn't realize that everything is a job. You know when you're a kid, and people say, "You can be anything! You can be a doctor or a football star! You can be an author of a book, or even an astronaut!"

Why don't they say, "You can be a professional FACE PAINTER"?
(Seriously, people. My friend's father in law is a professional face painter. Like, in the big leagues.)

You can be a professional food photographer!

You can be in charge of a famous person's social media. YES. You could get paid to be on their Facebook and Twitter all day!

You can design children's toys. You can design fabric patterns. You can design the front of Huggies diapers!
Making jewelry!
Giving tattoos!
Taking pictures to go on the covers of books!
Thinking of taglines for movies!
Inventing Pinterest!
THOSE ARE JOBS!

I mean, really. Everything that you see around you, someone made. That's someone's job.
And if what you see around you is a forest or the ocean, well... that's someone's job too. To protect it. Learn about it. Explore it.
And those are real jobs!

Seriously, why didn't anybody tell me this? We could all be doing 100% exactly what we want and exactly what we're best at. And yet, we're churning out tons of lawyers and English majors and whatevers, and then we stumble along looking for meaning.
Because nobody told us that we could be anything in the world. You could be the guide on an African-Safari.
Don't you wish that's what you went to school for?

My husband makes films. But what he really does is this: He makes short form actualities, intended for online viewing, usually created for social betterment or to promote social organizations and entrepreneurs.
He studied film, and international development.
He isn't just a film major who couldn't find a job making transformers videos, or a documentarian who happens to work with lots of non-profits. He is doing exactly what he always talked about doing.
And he is crazy good at it. Because it's important to him. Because it's his niche. Because he knew that it could be a job, even if it wasn't yet.

And I am so proud of him.
And if he ever dies and I have to go back to school? I'm studying Interior Design or French Pastries.
My English degree can rot.
I have no use for that garbage.

Don't forget to enter the giveaway for a shirt, in which you can pick a fantastic future profession for your child:

And PLEASE go vote for my babies on this silly Disney contest:

To my dream following husband, on his birthday

I grew up with a dad who did things. He owned his own company, and had a list of hobbies a mile high -real hobbies too. He fished, photographed, read, mountain biked, camped, skiied- and still does. A few years ago he went back to school and now he's graduating with a Pharmacy degree.
So I guess I never realized how strange and brave it is for a man to be like that. I just expected hardworking and dream following from my husband. And I have not been disappointed.
When Travis and I had two practically new babies (let's see, about four months old at the time?) we decided that the time was ripe for him to quit his well-paying, salaried, benefited corporate job which he actually quite liked.
And people would say "in this economy?" and we would hear stories of people who had been searching for jobs for months, years even.
But Travis wanted to form Good Line, his own company - despite the risks. And I wanted him to.
Because I would rather the business failed and we were poor, than Travis' dreams be stifled because of our fear of not succeeding.
Plus, I figured I owed it to him, since he let me get pregnant while we were both still in school - even though most people would agree that we're crazy for it.
And just like God blessed us with the double the babies we were hoping for, this time with Good Line, he blessed us with success.
You may have noticed that Travis travels. A lot.
It's because we're doing so well. I don't exactly want to brag... but yeah, I totally do.
Because Travis is Ah-May-ZING at what he does.
On a regular basis, people are like "Well my daughter / brother / self studied film in school, and couldn't get a job and now (s)he works as a manager at a Taco Bell, so your husband must be really, really lucky."
No he is not. Yes, we've been really blessed, but I don't think for one minute that any of this is luck.
It's hard work and him being freaking awesome at what he does. I always want to respond to people with "Well, Travis is talented. He is very good at what he does."
But since that seems to imply (perhaps not so subtly) that the daughter / brother / self is less talented, I try to refrain.
But that's the truth. Travis is good at what he does.  But more than that, Travis loves what he does, and he is so brave.  He is the provider in our family, and it's a huge risk to leap into the dark of unemployment and hope that somehow we keep on surviving. Thriving.
But he did it. And not because he's selfish and wanted to do his "own thing."
But because he is a good person. I believe that Travis was able to take the leap, because being happy and making a difference in world, and providing good examples and opportunities to our sons was more important to him than money.
We have several friends who we've heard make comments like "Well, my husband is going to be a lawyer / accountant / doctor / whatever because you can make a really good living and we don't want to be poor our whole lives."
And that's a pretty good goal. Not being poor.
But I think that being happy is a better one.
And I think that usually in the pursuit of happiness over money, one finds that they have enough of both.
But in the pursuit of money that will lead to happiness, one finds that they are always short on both.

I don't know. Maybe this post comes off sounding pretentious or judgmental, and I certainly don't want it to. I understand needing money. We all need money to live, and not everyone's dreams succeed.
But as for me and my husband, I just wanted to say how glad I am that he's a dreamer.
I am so glad that he wants something more, and he works for it. I'm so glad that we're happy. That we can support each other.
That he understands wanting and loving something. He understands daydreams and fantasies.
And when I describe our future home with chickens wandering around the grass, our sun-soaked living room, and the kids building a tree-fort in the back - he reminds me not to forget our bulldog Winston being chased around the yard by the twins, the garden full of ripe tomatoes, and the brick oven for baking homemade bread and pizza.
Which is why I love him. I love him so dearly and so madly and so fully, totally, completely.
And today is his birthday, which is one of the loveliest days of the year and I wish he was here with me.
I miss him. I am proud of him. I am grateful to him.

Happy Birthday, Travis. I love you.

Sad lonely girl

I have that Beatles song stuck in my head:

Close your eyes and I'll kiss you, 
tomorrow I'll miss you.
Remember, I'll always be true.
And then while I'm away, 
I'll write home every day
and I'll send all my loving to you.

Travis is gone. He left yesterday morning.
"But wait," you say, "wasn't he just gone all last week?"
Yes.
"And didn't he only get home late Sunday night?"
It was practically Monday morning.
"Is he off meeting a secret family and a different wife with whom he has several children, because he seems to be gone ALL THE TIME?"
He better not be, and you're telling me! I am so sick of him leaving!


As anyone who knows me can attest, I am a needy, clingy, snugly wife and and completely pathetic and helpless without my husband around.
Seriously. A total mess.
And he's been gone 19 days in the last month.

Travis works a regular ol' nine to five job, as a filmmaker for a company called Unicity. (Although, since the twins have come they've let Travis work a few hours from home everyday, so it's more like a nine to two job. Which is da bomb.)
When he was gone a few weeks ago in Mississippi it was for Unicity, and when he was in Cancun last week it was for Unicity.
But Travis is also in the process of starting a super awesome freelance company called Good Line.  The dream is that someday Travis can quit his other job and just work from home (except when he has to travel) and the beauty is that with a freelance film business like Good Line, we could literally live anywhere and anytime he travels I could join him.
But the problem is that Good Line is actually much more successful than we'd expected, so Travis has a lot of work to do.
But it's not quite so successful that Travis could quit his other job and work solely from home yet.

So essentially, Travis works 9-5 for Unicity, 5-11 for Good Line and all night long for Mama Becky and the boys.
Except I also want him from 9-5 and especially 5-11, because evening feels like it should be our time, dang it!
But this week, Travis is out of town filming in California for Good Line.
And I tried to talk him out of going, but the people who gave him this job are also the people that paid for us to go to Africa, and we love them.
We want to stay on their good sides, because they'll always need film work done, and also -they helped our family get a leg up by giving us an amazing opportunity, so we want to do all we can to help them out.
So Travis is gone, and I am home alone and pathetic.
Although this week, as well as last week, I have had several completely amazing women come help me.
Bringing me food, spending the night and rocking my babies to sleep at 3am, cleaning my kitchen and babysitting while I nap.
Aka: being the kindest people ever.
And I really appreciate it, and literally could not have survived without them.
And yet.... it's just not the same as having Travis here.

I miss him.
I wish he was here instead of there.

Also, these crappy blurry pictures are from our date on Monday night. Since Travis was only home two days before leaving again we decided we needed a bit of alone time.
My sister in law Noelle and one of my best friends from home, Charné watched the babies for two hours! And since they both spent the night last week (as well as clocking countless hours helping me and Travis over the last three months) we were really confident that the babies would be well taken care of.
I only wish we had better documented the evening... although I've always been sure that the amount of fun is usually evidenced by the lack of pictures. (If you're having lots of fun, then you're too busy to pull out the camera!)

Anyway, last night was sad. Tonight will be sad. Friday and Saturday nights will be sad.
And Travis will get home on Sunday, which is Father's Day... but I already gave him his present because it's awesome and I'm really bad at keeping things to myself - like gifts that I'm excited to give.
I'll show off his gifts tomorrow in my iphone picture post.
And don't forget! Tomorrow is Fact: it is Friday. So think about a fact that you'd like to share, and grab a button and then link up!