Friday, December 2, 2011

Fact: It is Friday {Book Drugs}

Sometime Friday Facts aren't about me. Sometimes, they are just facts which are factual.
And also, I talk about myself.

Fact: Twilight is like literary cocaine.

Yes, it pains me too that I used the word "literary."
So, I have previously (on many occasions, especially on my old blog) written about how much I dislike Twilight. 
And recently my brother in law sent me a link to this {blog post} in which the author talks about Twilight, discussing the many problems that we all have (like why doesn't Edward kill Bella when she has her period? Stalking is creepy, not romantic. How can Edward make babies if he has no blood or sperm? etc, etc, etc.)
But one thing that she said which I had not quite figured out is that Twilight is COCAINE.
Which is why I see Twilight, and simultaneously want to stab it with a basilisk fang and... um... read it.

Yes. I will admit that I once read the Twilight books.
And when I discuss Twilight with people it goes like this:
Becky: I hate Twilight. It is dumb.
Person (girl): You obviously haven't read it.
Becky: Yes I have.
Person (girl): Why did you read it if you hate it so much?
Becky: Because *layer on snotty, judgmental tone* it was so horrifyingly stupid, and now I can talk about all the things in it that are dumb and it only took me a day per book anyway... so... yeah.

So here's the truth. I read the first three Twilight books when I was a freshman at college. I had to go home for extensive foot surgery and was bedridden for a few weeks.
I lay in bed, dying of boredom and begging for books, and I was brought the Twilight series.
In three days I had read them. I did hate them.
But also... I COULDN'T PUT THEM DOWN. They were sleazy, confusing, seriously anti-feminist, poorly written, creepy, annoying, and my list of adjectives could go on...
yet they were also addicting.

And I now I know that it's because they are a drug. A bad, hard drug.

While you read you think to yourself "This is bad. I should stop. I'm addicted and I hate myself for liking this. I'm turning into a crazy person. This is bad. Stop. Stop. This is ba--- hold up. I'm 1,200 pages in?"

And then, years later when you're an adult and you've kicked the habit and you have children to care for and set a good example for -- you find yourself thinking, "I'm kind of in the mood for some soft-porn, disgusting, self-depreciating, mood-swing literature. I wonder if there's some sort of back-alley library that I can go to so that the people at the real library don't see me and judge me when I check out Twilight."
And then. BOOM. You're back. Suddenly, you want to read the story of the lipgloss-wearing man who wants to eat his girl friend, and the girl friend who is self-hating bedwetter.
But it's not your fault. And you can probably get help.
I would highly recommend reading Harry Potter to stave off these feelings of absurdity.
Oh, and since you're wondering (were you wondering?) I did eventually read the fourth book... or most of it.
When I returned to summer-college-school from surgery-time my roommates and I bought the fourth book together.
We read it aloud as an apartment.
Yes. We used silly voices.
Yes. We had long, long, loooong philosophical discussions on how much we hate Stephanie Meyer and also Bella Swan and the reasons why they should probably be dead (first of all, obviously neither of them understands the real world. How do they survive in it?).
Yes. We recorded long portions of our readings and discussions on tape and sent said tapes to our friends to listen to and enjoy on their church missions.
Yes. We went to see the first Twilight movie.
No. I have yet to see a Twilight movie since then... although I've been thinking it may be time for a marathon.

Yes. Today is Friday, and it is a fact that Twilight and cocaine are the same. FYI.

I am highly interested in hearing your opinions on Twilight, and if you don't write a whole post about it (you totally should) then at least leave me a comment with some Twilight thoughts.

Oh, and one of said roommates actually went as Bella Swan for Halloween this year (complete with a baby emerging from her womb.) Her costume was excellent. {Check it out.}

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alyssa said...

this is an excellent post! i too hate twilight. i actually haven't read the books (which i keep debating about whether or not i should) and i actually fell asleep reading the first one. but i have seen the movies, except for that last one. my mom forced me to watch them saying she'll disown me if i don't watch em. i thought the plot was interesting but bella is seriously the worst actress! she makes me cringe. a friends told me that stephanie meyer said in an interview that she didn't write the books as well b/c she knew it was gonna sell out anyways. now that's sick. sorry for the novel :) love your blog!

Kara said...

I liked the story, but not the writing. The writing was terrible since there were grammatical errors all over the place and her descriptions and theories of vampires made no sense. It's the romance that I loved.

The movies are laughable, but I always go see them.

Sara said...

I don't actually know you, but I just have to say that I agree about Twilight. I agree completely.

I held out against the books for the longest time, sure from what I'd already read that they were stupid. Unfortunately, I didn't realize that they were evil. And so when my friend begged me to 'just try them', I caved. I read Twilight that day. I read New Moon the next day. I read Eclipse and Breaking Dawn ALL IN ONE NIGHT.

When I woke up from my coma, I realized just how sick those books were. I used to call them toxic waste, but I like the cocaine comparison better. After all, toxic waste is not so appealing. Even now, I kind of want to go reread them. Even though I know the whole relationship is vile and sick and evil.

I'm going to go scrub my brain out now. Maybe bleach removes Twilight stains.

Becky Pitcher said...

Okay, I will concede that the idea of an eternal love and romance is a very beautiful concept, especially in today's society where people get married and divorced at whim.
However, since Mormons believe that you can actually HAVE an eternal marriage (we believe that husbands and wives can stay together forever, even after death) even the forever-plot of Twilight can't tap into my girly-center and appeal to me.
But... I understand where you're coming from... even if you're a Mormon too.
It is a lovely thought.

Maria said...

Twilight, I read them, thought they were entertaining. Don't really care to criticize all the stuff that doesn't make sense bc I think the author prob wrote it with the intention of them being just what they are, an addiction to young girls and women everywhere that has made her lots of MONEY! Watch all the movies (once they are on DVD) and feel this weird awkward feeling though them all.

Now...HUNGER GAMES. Different story. Loved them and will read them again. What did you think of them?

Little Gray Pixel said...

What do I think? The Twilight books are candy. I would love for people to get addicted to the book I wrote the way people are addicted to Twilight. So I can't begrudge Stephenie Meyer (even if her prose makes me cringe in spots, I still read it all). The thing that bothered me the most about the books was Bella's insistence on martyrdom.

The movies (save the most recent one) are worse than the books! The fourth movie is actually OK. They got a decent director for it.

But I am not embarrassed to admit that I read the series or watched the movies -- I don't believe in "guilty" pleasures. I don't feel guilt if I enjoy something, no matter how ridiculous it is! Ha.

hannafrancesca said...

This is exactly how I feel about Twilight & yes I read all four books in a week. It's awful but very addictive...I had to go to rehab by reading Paul Auster, that helped me alot. Oh & don't get me started on how vampires can go out in the sun & they SHINE!?! And how they procreate?!?

xj. said...

This is all excellent.

Becky Pitcher said...

*Maria* I loved the Hunger Games. I thought that they were well-written, compelling and most importantly: all of the characters were intelligent and capable, and the women weren't helpless sissy girls; they were kick-ass!

*Little Gray Pixel* I DO believe in guilty pleasures, at least as far as entertainment goes (Gossip Girl, anyone?)
The thing about Twilight is, it doesn't really bring me any pleasure. I literally hate every moment that I'm reading it, which makes it so bizarre that I KEEP READING. Thus: Twilight is a drug.

Tanei Atagi said...

Bella Swan is infuriating and ridiculous. How do her parents even like her...this is my big question! That being said, I have read all four books. I am disgusted by adult women encouraging young women to be in love with Edward, and gagged numerous times when my students would talk to me about how dreamy he is. He is not. He is an enabler and it's sick that the 4000 year old is obsessed with an 18 year old.

Becky, I agree that Twilight is cocaine; and would like to add that Katniss Everdeen is indeed heroine.